Searching through search

I don't want to be melodramatic again about this other guy. We have established my facination with the male species so I should not be judged twice but rather once, since we already know what I am...boy crazy! While I have a constant need to dig through every guy I like or am fascinated by, I've learned that I learn from these guys.
I promise there is a lesson learned from the dousche bags to the sweet hearts. Case 1: Adam(The ex)-In that case I was a jerk for cheating on him in the name of revenge because he neglected me the first time that we went out. I learned that karma will one day bite you in the narts! Case 2: Jacob(The ex-ex)-Don't ever date someone because you think that you will learn to like that person as much as they like you. The fact that they like you so much might mean that they have ingrown stalker tendencies and no one needs to be in a relationship in which the other is calling every two minutes. It will shortly turn from flattery to obsession and no one wants that, now do they. See. I learned something better.
The last important case in which I've learned something is Case 3:Unmentionable(The-not-boyfriend-but-somewhat-feels-like-it-but-its-just-complicated)-I have learned tons of great things from him. Its because of him that I'm starting to have a view and opinion on many things like religion. Its also because of him that I'm learning how to train myself to not go insane when a guy doesn't want what you want. How did I learn this? He drives me insane so I've taught myself how to refrain from having anxiety attacks. Just take a breather and worry less because in most cases guys Don't care as much as girls do. In order to have piece of mind I have to impersonate a guy...and it works for me.
These are a few of the things that I've learned by being a male obsessed obsessee. It doesn't stop here because the world is my oyster and this oyster has many pearls and some are shiny. And the shiny ones grab my attention!

ICU

For my mom, it's called ICU. I love her sooo much. She's made it through sooo much and I know she'll make it through this.


I’m staring at this preciousness you gave
I can’t help but think one day this could be permanent
And I don’t ever wish to feel this way
You’re not here, but you will be okay

I was driving these streets with tears in my eyes
And the drivers passing by only saw me cry
They couldn’t tell what was sitting inside me
It was all the things I hope for you and me

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words not staying in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Everyone keeps saying that I’m so strong
But when no one’s here it feels all wrong
And the hurt inside my throat
Is now something normal
And I’ll hide behind these claims
So no one sees me that way
But I’m the first to break down
When no one is around

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words and I kept in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

In the darkness I called out
I called out your name
Hoping you could hear me
And maybe you would do the same

Sailing Blue Boat

We are at a rail
And I can't stop it
I was holding back this trail
But I can't help but want it
I wish I could land on solid ground
Instead of this shaky ocean

CHORUS
I'm a sailing blue boat
Stuck in a storm
Don't know which way to go
I'm a sailing blue boat
Out in the middle of nowhere
And there's an island near
But I can't reach it

You are like quicksand
I keep falling through you
I hold my head up high
Trying to make it past you
You leave me hanging
But you're still there
You said you'd love me if you could
But you can't, I don't get it

Chorus 1x

You are my steering wheel
My hands are shaking
You are my one shot deal
Don't want to mess with it
I've never been so confused
My hands are shaking

Chorus 1x

I'm a sailing blue boat
Out and about somewhere
You're the storm ahead
I'm a sailing blue boat
And I can't be saved
I am my own wreck

Rebellion Ends In Ice Cream!!

If last night was Friday, what does that make today???

SATURDAY!!

Great answer...it's the only answer. I wish I could go back to Friday and relive Friday until next Friday. Right now I feel annoyed because my mom won't go to another room as I try to create awesome music. I can't produce music while she's in here asking me what she should wear to church tomorrow. The thought is kinda funny, picture this:

Me sitting on the computer chair typing lyrics, and her pulling out clothes from her closet while I'm deep in thought. Me with the computer mic. and her asking me, "How can people live underground? My goodness!" Of course in Spanish. I feel like snapping a pencil in half. I'm a mad man typer with the ear microphone stuck on my ear and she doesn't get that I'm busy trying to make magic happen!!

It's not funny, actually. I just keep thinking that if I had my own place. I could make awesome music!! If I had my own place, I wouldn't be home as much, I'd still visit my parents alot, but sometimes there are things that must be done-like make music-without them there. I NEED my own apartment. I'm gonna make that the next goal!

ANYWAYS!! Friday! What I was saying about Friday was that it was pretty cool, and it's how this blog entry got it's name. I went to school. Got out early like usual. Went to work. After work I had a football game to attend and take pictures bc I'm in Yearbook. Me and Billy of course planned it so we could both go to the game. After being out on the field and dodging the football players we built up an appetite, so we left earlier. We wanted to hang out, but we wanted to be rebellious. Our plan was to get kicked out of Wal-Mart, so we were headed to walmart. We passed ULM and we wanted to see what it was like to be college students so we parked and were about to walk the campus, but decided not to. We still had in mind that we were gonna go and try to get kicked out of Wal-Mart. Somehow the plan changed and we wanted ice cream so we went to Eskimos. Since Eskimos was close to the park, we headed to the park. At the park we did our Jersey Shore Inspired Fist Pumps, while she blasted, "Like a G6, like a like a G6..." It was a pretty cool night. After that, I had to go home so I went home and remembered that we had forgotten to go to wal-mart and get kicked out. LOL! Our quest to rebel, ended in a fist pumping, ice cream eating, good time at the park. Yeah, I'm that kind of rebellious teenager...

A Walk In Dead Noise

I have been reading This I Believe, which is a book that my AP English teacher made us read. I am blown away at the thoughts in that book, that I'm starting to think that I am bound to be an intelligent being at some point in my life. And I think that some point is now. I am tapping into different parts of life that I've never had to think about, needless to say that I'm finally feeling mature.

Today I had a special realization into my own personal lifestyle that I had planned out as my life career. I wanted to be a nurse, because that seems to be the only option. Why is that my only option? Well, I hate school and it only takes four years to become a nurse and the pay is more than decent. I'm not doing it because I'm passionate about it and I'm not even excited about the idea of having to cure people. Excuse me for sounding so careless, but I can't sit there and sew on somebodys toe. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

I came to this realization through experience. Today, my mom didn't feel good. She had chills, body ache, head ache, and the pain was so severe that she couldn't even eat, so I called my dad and he told me to take her to the ER.

I sat down in the waiting room for a nurse to call my moms name. I looked around and I found that for a Sunday, there were a lot of people there. How many things can go wrong on a the day of rest? Everyone was talking joyously as if they weren't sitting in an emergency room. I felt alone as if I was the only one thinking about the people that probably sat in my seat crying because they witnessed a death of some sort. I felt cold and sterile and chained. How could these people be smiling when so many people had died? This room was filled with children fighting, babies crying, and people talking, but my mind was silent. Then they put me and my mom in a hallway. There were patient beds all over the place. People hooked up to machines while they were being carried off into Ambulances. Patients with heavy bags under their wrinkled eyes.

I know for sure that I will never get used to seeing grey haired women with bruises all over the body, a teenager with blood running down her leg, caused by a deep cut on her knee. Maybe I can get used to it, but I don't see why I would like to come to work and find it normal for something to be fatally wrong with every patient. I can't DO THIS for a living. I rather be a struggling actor living under trees in Central Park. And now I am forced back to question, "What must I do to make a living?" Everything I want to do is a bit difficult to achieve. I don't want to hear, "Oh, you really think you can do that? That's a million and one chance." I've got a calling for something way different. I've accepted the fact that I want to fall in LOVE! FALL IN LOVE WITH WHAT I DO! I don't want a desk job that bores me to death and I hate waking up to each morning.

Falling in love is what's going to lead to my happiness, and that has led me to go to college for something that is somewhat pleasant. Because while I'm doing that job, I will be doing what I want to do, which laugh at it or don't but it's modeling and acting and maybe even singing. I want to write stories, lyrics, and poetry. I want to take pictures for a living. Those are the things that I want to do for a living and those are the things that are the least likely. But if I want it, I can make it happen. Nothing is certain, but I know that Nursing is not my desire, my wish, or passion.

It's a New Day...

I am sitting in yearbook class right now. It's 8:21 am and I'm having a good time with my yearbook buds, Brandie, Cassie, Sierra, and Jasmyn. I'm loving this class so much. These girls are awesome!

What isn't awesome is that I am once again on that railroad I said I was off. Last night I talked to Banana--that's the guy that I hung out with last weekend. We have become so insanely intimate, and when I say intimate I don't mean what you're thinking. I mean intiment in the way that he knows my insecurities. He knows my mind too well and it freaks me out. I went crazy on him yesterday after my realization, and it triggered other things inside of me. I have all this excess stuff that I need to get rid of before I can commit to anything. He's the only guy that has ever heard me cry, and the only guy who is there to listen. Not even Roberto knows me that well. How can you become so close to a stranger? I have no idea, but I did it.

This morning I walked into class and Banana was there talking to the other girls. That didn't bother me, because he always has a long line of girls. LOL. We're somewhat alike, because it's the same way for me. I was acting aloof, because of the talk we had last night. He's also the only guy that I argued with over nothing. He sounded mad about me being so undecided. I cried for a long while and he called back. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. He's the only person who's ever held my hand to hold my hand. He's the kind of person that will sit there and fix the problem, but I can't fix the problem when I don't know what the problem is. I'm sorry that he has to deal with all these emotions, but what gets me is that he can handle all that. Why did he have to like me? Why did he have to call me? Why did we become a couple and we're not even dating? If I think about it further I swear it hurts.

Where is my boyfriend through all this? Not here at all. Banana is the only person that can confuse me when I've got it all down. Or atleast I think I've got it all down, but I don't. That's another thing he told me that hit home; he said that whenever I'm not thinking I'm happy. It made so much sense! That day we spent, I didn't think until I thought about something. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. At this point I'm considering becoming a nun. I heard about a monestary in England. I believe I'd like Europe. In fact, I'd love Europe! Maybe holding myself captive from men and all that is the only way I can be happy. The only time I'm completely happy is when I'm reading about other peoples' lives. That's pretty sad!

Anyway, I walked in and he didn't say anything to me. It could be because I was avoiding looking in his direction. After this class I have to pass him in the hallway:'( I don't know if I can handle two more classes, but I'm going to have to. Ahh...I'm getting goosebumps. I'm still keeping positive that God is above me and no matter what happens it's all for the best.

Peace, Love, and Jesus<3

From the Hilltops...

It has finally hit me! Hit me like a subway train going past the tunnel on 145th st. OH YAH! It has hit me soooo hard. What has hit me?

I am FREE! Free as in I am no longer bound by chains against a never ending train rail that runs through my mind. Remember my confusion days? No more of those! I've got the answers to the Universe. Maybe not quite all the answers, but the answers of me. The best part of this is that God has set me free! At church yesterday we talked about a guy who's last name is Giglio. I urge you to look him up! Why do we fear?? My goodness I am just not even on that anymore! I am a precious creature just like everybody else on this Earth! Did you know that you are amazing and precious? Now you know! I promise you are!!

Today, I had decided that I was going to give in to something that seemed good enough. But usually things are too good to be true. I had stumbled for a minute, but after that I found myself here. Right HERE! Writing to you! I am too good to lose my value for someone who's not worth it. I can't believe I didn't see that before! It's part of that process that has alot to do with self esteem. I can proudly say that I am on that ladder to high self esteem and I can almost swear that nobody can stop me. I am WHO I am, no doubt about it. I can change for better but I'm not about to get worse to satisfy people. The Piranhas can try to get me down, but I trust in one person to keep me safe! And his name starts with a G...God! I feel like I'm preaching which is not my style but he loves that. lol. I am not just adornment. I am not a standby. I am who I am, and if you can't handle me(lol) then just walk away. I don't need negativity with all this positiveness! I'm ready to shine!

Love, Peace, and Jesus<3

My Time Now!

Today I had one of those hormonal days where you're either yelling and snapping at everyone or smiling and laughing at nothing at all. I had no idea why I was like that. When I was cleaning the bathroom I nearly broke into tears over something.

I know what that something was but I'm not gonna tell you. MUAHAHAHA!

I knew that the only way to cure my unhappiness was to go out and clear my head, so I went out with someone. Me and that someone have been talking alot lately and it's always about feelings which drives me hella crazy but atleast it feels to better to say things out loud even though he's always confused by me. He says that he doesn't mind my confusion, and that's pretty funny. I have to live with my confusion every single day of my life. lol.

Anyways! Me and that someone decided to go to an art museum today! We spent almost 20 minutes downtown looking for this art museum and we never found it. We went from road to road, street to street and found nothing at all. Supposedly, this museum closed at 5pm and by the time it was almost 5pm we still had found nothing so we decided to go somewhere else.

We voted to go to the movie theater located in the mall. When we got there we wanted to see Vampires Suck but it was sold out. We were willing to go to any movie for the closest times and the only movie available was Despicable Me, and I hate cartoon movies.

We were stuck doing nothing so we just roamed around in the mall for like two hours. It kind of scares me how compatible him and I seem. Too frikkin COMPATIBLE! And must I repeat myself again, "I have a boyfriend and I don't want to mess it up"

I'm afraid that I might have already messed up though. It's easy to think that things are easy to do! But they're not always easy!!

What is always great is to have a guide to help with your life. I've got God, who's helped me with so much lately and Roberto who's been listening to my issues since ever. Today, after my supposed mistake he was there to give me words to clear my mind. He's truthful and helpful at all times. I couldn't deal without ROB!! It's a little scary that when me and him talk, I've got the plan ready, but as soon as his voice isn't there I'm confused again. It's like when you're in math class and the teacher explains everything correctly and you understand, but as soon as you get home and work on that problem you're stuck. But lately me and him are more connected! We've talked every single day more than once for the past two weeks. IT'S WIERD!! I guess problems get people together. lol.

Going out today helped and didn't help! WOAH! My brother just brought me my cell and I've got two missed calls. One is obviously Roberto and the other...

Goodnight Blogger!
PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS!

I'm not whatsoever affiliated with the picture above of monroe, Louisiana. IP address:http://pics4.city-data.com/cpicc/cfiles9071.jpg

One Problem Is THE Problem!

When I think of myself, I think relaxed but lately I keep thinking DRAMATIC!!

I keep making things slightly bigger than they should be and my excuse is, "I'm a frikkin teenager, let me cry!" My latest problem is that I have no idea how my boyfriend is doing. I've gained some boldness since I've talked to him. I am bold enough to tell him how I feel and what I think. I gave him crap the other day and he gave me a bag filled with CRAP! Not literally, I don't think I would accept that as a gift. I like roses...roses that don't smell like boo boo boo.

I understand he's crabby sometimes, in fact it's kind of sexy. I bet that would be to my advantage if we were alone. I should stop talking about that, lol.

We haven't talked for the past two or three days and we've been going out for about a week and two days. My usual response to this would be to break up with him, but I am trying for this to work. When we don't speak, I just want this to be over when I've got other guys that need my attention. But when we're speaking everything is perfect. In fact, I told Roberto about this the other day and he said, "Why make a guy unhappy when you can make more guys happy?" That cracked me up, because it made alot of sense to me but I wouldn't admit it to Rob, of course because he thinks he's always right.

Is it sad to think that I want him to break up with me if he doesn't think this is working? A guy has never broken up with me, EVER! Why can't he just break up with me, atleast I'll know it didn't work out, but I don't know if this is working out or not. I really like him, but if he doesn't want this then why keep going? I wish I could see him all the time...well, that would probably be a problem because I can't control myself. TMI! If he doesn't call today, what am I supposed to do? Why stay with someone you can't see?

AAHHHH!!
Love, Jenessy

Senior Year, No More TEARS!

DUDE! I can't believe how fast life is moving, and I can't believe the people it's moving with. Do you get me? It's like things are changing and moving, but there's these new people around you. Once again, it's unforseen. A new year, my senior year. WOW!! I don't know whether to scream, cry, or laugh that I made it this far! In a few years I see myself having my own place to call home. No more mommy and daddy to tell me what I can or can't do. A year from now, I'll be walking around with an awesome crystal nose stud and a tattoo on my foot. Weird? Not for me anyways.

Wednesday is the half day. I'll be seeing the people that I missed this summer. Haircuts, different hair colors, and maybe even different attitudes. People can grow and reflect in just a few months. All I can say is WOWZA!! I know I've changed, I just can't wait to demonstrate. It's almost like if you put your mind to it, you can do it!! I didn't see myself come this far when I was thinking of my new year resolutions or even after that. I JUST AM!! This summer I expected so much, but you can't plan what you want to happen. You can actually plan it, but it doesn't always come your way. I started off this summer with an awesome friend that I could count on being there to my avail, but it didn't end that way. THINGS FRIKKIN CHANGE!! AHHH! :D I also started out feeling so small and naive, but now I can feel the world in my hands! It still may be my subtle naiveness, but I don't think that will ever go away. I have a change of heart as funny as it sounds.

Today at church we were talking about how you need to have a dedicated heart. That means what it sounds like it means. A dedicated heart is a dedicated heart. It's being able to push forward for something as far as it takes. I'm not like that when it's about Christianity. I'm a lazy Christian, I'll admit it any day. But I'm on my way to trying. I really want to try. Many people think that Christians can't stumble but we're just people with views and still people. I may not act like one alot of the time, but I'm going to start striving. I'm still a little bit stubborn and I don't feel like changing that so I'll let it be. There's things I know I should change, but at the same time I don't want to change. I can't do it all by myself, obviously. I'll let God help though I know that I've got serious issues. I'm still not willing to talk to some people. lol.

It still keeps hitting me...MY SENIOR YEAR!! WOW! It shouldn't begin with me avoiding some people, but that's not something I'm willing to change. DANG! I'm such a people hater!! We also learned today that you should love everyone. HOW TO DO THAT? I've got no idear! Hey, I'm used to making new friends I can do it again. It may not be people I've known for my whole life, like these little town people that know eachother will, but there's a risk and chance in everything. So why not try? I don't see why not. This will be Hella interesting :O

Peace, Love, and Jesus! MUAH:D

P.S. Idk y, but I feel poisonous lately. It's creeping me out, I have way to much power!

The SHIYATAY! No, That's not a Karate move...

It is 7:33 on a Friday night on this side of the U.S. How do I know that? Because I'm typing when I could be doing something exciting. I know what I want to write about but I don't want to sound like a baby. But I'm willing to sound like a baby, so I don't care.

A few days ago something unforseen happened...I got a bf!! UnFrankenBelievable. That was definitely unforseen. I obviously did two blogs about that so I'll give it a rest with my deep thoughts. Now, the somewhat unforseen has happened. My friend has friends. lol. Not that she didn't, but she's got another best friend. I knew that, I just thought there was nothing to worry about since I thought she knew how to balance things, but it doesn't seem that way. Which is why I'm alone at currently 7:44. I sound like I have no other friends, but I do it's just that everyone has their close friends and I used to have close friends until they lost their appeal one by one. Oops, that sounded mean(not naughty), but I don't care cus I'm not hiding anything.

Ray is probably chilling with KKK, my nickname for the other one and her boyfriend, who it's fine with me he's cool. I would be chilling my bf, if he was here but he's not. I'm currently standing up because my pregnant mother took the computer chair and she doesn't mind watching me type standing up with a limp leg. That baby bump is too much weight to sit on the bed, apparently. I'm feeling like I wanna go outside and chill for a while. Maybe I'll talk to Roberto, who ditches me all the time but it's okay because he's Roberto. Yeah, Ray has no excuses cus I've obviously made like two appointments to hang with my homie, but homie doesn't care. Those two times have been spent with said, KKK. We've got lots to talk about: Me and my newfound glory, her and her life, lol. GOD, I'm a bore, maybe that's why she's gone.

I don't even want to talk to her about anything anymore. This could be something fixable once again, but I don't want fixable, I want instant. It may just be a bad case of the green-eyed monster, but that monster has consumed me to the core. I'm not afraid to take a stand...Like Eminem says. I notice that friendship only lasts so long until it all falls apart. Same as relationships, well that's in my opinion. And don't get me wrong, some friendships are amazing. Hey, I'm still friends with Roberto, Jessica, and Leah! That must mean something, right? I might go hang with Jimmy for a little while and then sit in the backyard, watching how many mosquito bites it takes till I come back inside. Then, I'll watch Jersey Girl for the millionth time. WOW, BIG PLANS BETTER GET TO THEM!!

Goodnight Blogger:)

NOTE TO RAY:

Since we don't talk much these days I want you to know that I won't be able to pick you up for school this year. It's not my choice...the tri-mom(my mom) wants to patrol the first few days so yeah. I think I'm semi-satisfied, so I'm fine with having myself. So, don't you worry about a thing. I think I'll be fine focusing on my AWESOME Senior year and all. I'll just hang with the guys and my new found freedom. Once again, I believe isolating myself from people will help. This will help until I'm left completely alone. Some dramatic trauma wouldn't be so bad, it inspires me. Thanks for everything girl!! Love ya:)

Fear Is The Heart Of Love

He. That's the guy I was afraid to trust and didn't know if I even should trust him. He has reached into me and grabbed a big part of me, hopefully he knows how to use it. Death Cab for Cutie spoke to me the other day. They said a nun told them, "Fear is the heart of love" I have no idea what that means. Does it mean that because we fear, we love? Or is it more inclined towards love causes us to fear? I don't understand it very much, but apparently fear and love go hand in hand and I agree completely. We're sometimes afraid to love because we have scars from the times before. Many times we don't even experience it, but we see others dealing with the bad side of love. I hear about girls that get abused by their partners and they just can't leave them. That could be because of fear or love. There's always a connection. Because of everything that can go wrong I stayed on the other side of the glass. Now I'm on the side where everything could go wrong.

He. He spoke to me for a long time and surprisingly it was unbelievably easy to express myself. We've got something going where neither of us is guarded. It seems to be working. We've confessed many things to each other without it being too hard. There's something special about everything we share. I've always kept walls up because of fear. Fear of love, obviously. I no longer have those walls up, yet there's still some fear in the back of my mind. Everything right now is sooooo right, that if something goes wrong I don't know what I'll do. And that's another fear in itself.

He. He's so far away but yet so close. When we talk it's like he's here. Distance isn't such a bad thing because it makes us wanna grow closer. I feel like I've known him forever. We spent a school year together that in my mind was like a few days. I can't remember everything, but I remember the important things. After that year, we never spoke again but he was always on my mind. He said he had to get in touch with me again. It was because of Karma that he learned. Don't we all learn that way? A few hours of talking and it's like everything is perfectly fine. That's something to fear, but I don't because relationships are about taking chances. You may lose it all or win it all, but there's never a guarantee which is what makes it magical.

He. He is the only one that has the power to turn my heart into a puzzle and lose the pieces. That's what I'm afraid of, but these chances I'll take for him...

Unexpected Return :'(

I'm feeling like this little girl here. Running away in the sun, but getting nowhere. She doesn't know where to turn or where to head, because everything looks the same. I'm a feeler and that's not even a word. But what I'm saying is that I feel too much. When I'm not feeling I want to feel. And when I'm feeling I don't want to feel(oooh...that sounded naughty.lol.). I want to run in all directions without obstacles in the way. Like this girl, I want to run in a field, mindlessly. Without worrying who's watching and where I'm going. If I could run away from everything, I'd go there.

I think I know what I'd be running from. I'd be running from him. Him, who is no longer a memory, a song, or an almost fictional character in my mind. I almost started to believe he was fictional, because it was almost like he was gone after a thought. In a not-so-creepy-way, I would look him up on myspace just to know that he was real. It only tortured me more though, and it helped less. I started having a life and he was almost forgotten. But there'd be nights in which he was an important topic to the little people that live in my head. Whenever I heard or hear his name my heart rate speeds up. I start thinking so hard that I feel that others can hear me screaming at myself. He was a gun shooting bullets at me. I was wounded and now that I think about it, I may still be. I've been doing so good lately, I'm afraid that he might take it all away from me again. A few days ago, he sent me a message saying that he was sorry about treating me like crap. What scared me most was that I didn't hesitate to forgive him.

It's almost like if I was in that field, I'd be running towards him not from him. Then as I usually tend to do, I poured out all my feelings in a message. And I might have messed it up like usual. I'm always in a mental mess that I get out of but land in it again. I need to stop being stagnant or looking backwards, I know I need to move forward and I'm trying. It's just hard to do when you're not in an open field, but in a populated environment. All I know is I'm trying but I seem to be partly failing and partly succeeding. I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm heading. I know where I want to be and who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. He's only messing me up even more! I'll make it somehow though...

Dearest Apologies

When I was little, I remember being a complete wild child. Yeah, I remember a lot about when I was five. My mom always reminds me about how she's surprised I turned out to be such a good helpful young lady. I'm not the kind of girl you'll find at highschool parties or spending every weekend out with friends or in some random corner with a guy. What I do realize is that I may not be wild on the outside, but I have the most complex feelings on the inside as wild as a tornado. I usually don't know what I want but complain when I don't get what I think I want. Which eventually turns into something that I shouldn't have wanted from the start...which teaches me a lesson.



I have a weird tendency to convince myself that something is wrong when it may not be. It makes me push away from people, or be pushed away by others, and I'm learning that. I hate having to apologize but I feel like I need to. The crazy thing is that these people may be like, "Why?" but it's the only way I'm gonna feel better.

Thinking Beyond the Surface

Yesterday, I was watching The Tyra Show, and it was about these women that were insecure about themselves and didn't want others to have what they wanted. I looked at these women and thought, "How can anybody be like that?" and I became a judger. I think we're all judgers, the people that watch others fail, or harm themselves and instead of helping we joke about their situations. It doesn't even have to be a serious case, but we look down on these people...everyday people, instead of lending a hand.

On the show, there were two sisters. One of the sister's was fuller than the other. She thought she was fat, just because she had a bigger body than her sister, but she was extremely close to her younger sister; they're practically best friends. The night before they appeared on tv, they went out to a club and the bigger sister helped choose the youinger sisters' clothes. Instead of her being helpful, she mislead the younger sister into wearing a short and tight metallic dress with cutout sides and leggings that made her look like she belonged in a corner at 2am. I thought it was dumb for the younger sister to go through with that even though she didn't even like the outfit. If that was me and someone told me to wear that, I wouldn't have done it, even if it meant disapointing someone else. I asked myself, "Why is it that I'm selfish like that?" and I think it's because I'm still young and I don't feel the need to care about other people needs to be seen by wearing something I would never want to wear. And then I put myself in the older sister's shoes, and I knew that I would've done the same thing if I was in that situation. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.

I keep wondering, "Why is it that we're willing to make other's feel lower to make ourselves feel better?" I've never been the type to put people down for no reason, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened in other forms. We may look at our friend in the dressing room with a cute skirt on and say, "That skirt makes you look like you have something growing out of your butt." But we might make a face or we could do the opposite, which is to encourage your friend to buy it if the skirt actually looks bad. Tyra called these friends the " 'Shave your head, friends' " But there's also the option of telling the truth and choosing a different skirt, if this one looks bad. I believe I'd help my friend choose a different skirt. If you think about it, we have different kinds of friends.

a.)The Besties- Friends that you care about whether you see them all the time, or you don't.
b.)The Frenemies- The ones you mostly dislike, but you seem to be around them anyway.
c.)Everyone-Else- The people you genuinely like, and the people you don't.

It's different with different people. To me, it doesn't matter whether The Besties may be majorly cute, or not. But either way, I don't have the guts to ruin those peoples lives or anybody else's for that matter. I care about them so much, I only want to make them better. The Frenemies are those people that you can't stand, but you have a weak spot for them. Whenever revenge sets opportunity I may or may not take charge, as long as it doesn't harm them. Thank god, I don't have any or many of those. And then there's everyone else...
But you may be one of those lucky people that would be completely clean-hearted! Thank you:D

Here's a pop quiz:

1)You have a Bestie that is on a diet even though she already looks stunning. She has put you in charge of helping to keep her on track. You and her are deciding where to go for dinner. She wants to go to a local vegetarian restaurant, but you want pizza. What do you do?

a.)Tell her how good she's been doing great and convince her to go to the pizza place, even though you both have been having pizza for lunch 3 times a week. One more time won't hurt.

b.)Go to the vegetarian restaurant and you order pizza, just to make her feel bad.

c.)Go to the vegetarian restuarant and back her up completely even though you want pizza.

This is personal, so just ask yourself and let your mind wander. You may be inspired to think beyond the surface.

P.S. I'm only saying what's on my mind, I'm not a jerk!

Why I'm Beautifully Broken...

I have another opened window for Blogthings.com. I love that site, because I'm a believer in most of the quizzes there. Most of the quizzes I've taken result completely true. I'm gonna post my results on here, because I love when Blogs explain about the writer and their life. I hate when Blogs reveal nothing about a person's life. I need to know what they are like, what they like to do, yeah, I'm sort of a stalker in a way:D

1)The Ocean Test
Results: You Are Reflective and Thoughtful
You are most comfortable when you are mixing things up a little bit. You like novelty in small doses.You are drawn to harmony and compassion. You value commonalities over differences.You seek a bit more depth in your life, but you are slowly changing. You don't like to rush anything.You believe that if you look closely enough at people, you can appreciate them more... flaws and all.

What I think: It's all true, but I don't know about the last part. I do value people's flaws, because that's what makes people interesting, but I have more of a tendency to want to fix them, than anything else. It's almost like a constant need! It bothers me.

2)What is Your Childhood Game?
Results: You Are Hopscotch
You are easygoing and carefree. You like to play, but you don't really like to compete.You prefer to cooperate with others. You like to work with people ... not against them!You have a childlike innocence and optimism that is worth holding on to.You find happiness easily. You can get pleasure from the smallest things.

What I think: All of this is true. I actually ask myself, when am I gonna grow up? Well, the work with people is mostly true, sometimes I kinda do the opposite...

3)What Kind of Happy Are You?

Results: You are Peaceful

You are feeling very serene and centered. You're content with your life.You have a clear head and a peaceful spirit. You are relaxed enough to appreciate what you have.You are able to let go of your fears. You are trusting and generous toward others. You live a quiet, mellow life. It may not be dramatic, but it's very fulfilling.

What I Think: It's pretty much true. I don't like drama, and it rarely heads my way.

4)What's Normal About You and What's Not?

Results:You Are Fairly Normal

You scored 65% normal on this quiz.Like most people you are normal in some ways...But you aren't a completely normal person. You're a little weird too!

Why You Are Normal:You prefer your friends to your family.You prefer ruffled potato chips.You think fishnet stockings are trashy.When you're in a car, you prefer to be the driver.You prefer a good meal to a good nap

Why You Aren't Normal:You know a little about many subjects.You would rather be a movie star than an astronaut.You'd rather have cockroaches than rats in your home.You prefer the moon to the sun.You rather screw someone over than be screwed over.

What I think: I don't know what to think.

5)What Herb Are You?

Results:You Are Mint

You are a honest person with a strong personality. Your frank point of view is refreshing.You've been quite lucky in your life, though you have made more of your own luck than you realize.You are engaging and disarming. You definitely have the "gift of gab!" You live an edgy, dynamic life. Sometimes you get a little burned, but you always bounce back.

What I think: I don't know about a strong personality, but it feels like I'm getting there.

Waking Up on the WIERD Side Of The Bed!!!

It is 10:58 am on Monday morning and I would never wake up and go straight to the computer, but seeing as I don't feel like writing and I need to get my feelings out immediately, I got on Blogger.

Every weekday morning I go to work with my mom, especially since she's Preggo and she can't do alot of things. Today, she didn't wake me up, so when I got out of bed, I looked around the house for her and I only found my little brother eating cereal. Worried, I called my mother to see where she was, since the car wasn't in the carport. She answered and said that she was working. That pissed me off!!!!!!!!!! I don't usuallly say that, but it really did. Right now, I'm frustrated! And the only reason she did that is because we had an argument last night, in which I totally freaked! Now that I think about it, I should've listened to my dad, when he told me to have patience with her.

What happened was that I was on the computer and she tells me that she needed to use it. It annoys the crap out of me, when she only needs to use it when I'm on it. So, I told her that and she got rude. I don't handle rude, very well. She started yelling about how I looked like crap and that I could be doing something useful like looking better than I did. We've already established the issues I have that involve self confidence. I was sooo mad, but I didn't want to say anything at all. So my first grade instinct was to throw a newspaper that was beside the computer. Then she asked me to pick it up, so I did [unhappily]. I started yelling about how I hated her attitude and she could atleast try to get better at something. As I got out of the room, I slammed her door shut! And I slammed my door shut! I got in one of those moods that if you don't do something quick, you're gonna do something really bad like...break the window! I listened to my mp3 player full blast and started shouting lyrics. It actually relieved me. It's amazing the things you can do if you let your voice go wild to "Slow Down" by The Academy Is...

Today, I don't know if I should apologize when I wouldn't have acted the way I did, if she hadn't been sooo damn evil! Keep in mind that this is coming from the girl who doesn't flip out easily. Looks like things are changing and I am DEMANDING my respect whether others like it or not. I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but I'm starting to see the Taurus in me.

P.S. It sucks cus my mom has this house today where there's a cute guy there, and I just like talking to him. Maybe God is punishing me, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, LORD!!! I'll just write a song about it. It'll be called Monday Morning or something like that.

Thinking AWAY!

Right now I'm sitting at a Marriott Hotel, waiting for the rain to fall. I'm very tired, annoyed, and am in need of a wishing well. Last night, me, Rachal, and Morgan slept in one bed and we barely got enough sleep, but I didn't care cus we had soooo much fun! We woke up today, and headed for Blue Bayou for the day. We arrived at 9:35 and they opened at 10. It's actually better to get there earlier! I've recently become unafraid of rides at amusement parks so we got on anything that looked squeemish except the Hot Shot, in which somebody died the other day. We had fun, besides the constant heat, and uncomfortable sweating. EEWWWW!!! Especially after seeing all these hot life guards everywhere. I honestly think that to work at Blue Bayou, you have to look good. Oh, and may I say that there is probably a height requirement to work there. That means I sure as hell, wouldn't be able to work there. YES, these things bring out my insecurities! Lets just say that after being there, I feel very unsatisfied. I have some issues, like I said that I'm working on. Self confidence is still one of them. I seem pretty darn confident, but not really if I'm standing next to some 5'7 hottie. Like I said, WORKING ON IT!

This trip is going pretty well, but I'm ready to go home. Where I can sit in my room and lay on my bed, writing lyrics and longing for great things to happen. I also miss my Preggo mother and my unbelievably annoying little brother. I noticed that I am a nice person, that's a good thing...sometimes. I don't like messing with people and if someone say "Rachal" starts arguing with me, I'm the type that will let her stand there and talk while I look away. IT REALLY SUCKS! But I don't have it in me to stand up for myself like that, unless it's somebody I feel hate towards. I am also working on my standing up issues. As I write this, I kinda feel like shedding some tears, because I accept my flaws but I don't wanna believe that I have them. I'm just ready for school to start so I can start practicing the new me. Someone who doesn't let someone treat her like crap, who's the most confident girl in the room, and someone who doesn't have to put others down to feel better about herself. I guess this trip has given me alot to think about, alot to better myself. I just wanna have a good time, but it's hard to when the back of your mind screams, "PERFECTION!"

Well, I've got to go do something useful!
LOVE, PEACE, and JESUS!!!!

Room Reno 411

I've been looking for ways to make my room as cool as me. lol. But I hadn't put those ways into action. I decided that I wanted to paint my room and renovate it almost-completely. I only had a budget of $150, and I really didn't think I could pull it off. And I think I did pretty good, actually. My color inspiration had been some flowered storage boxes that I bought at Ross'.
From the top one, the color that popped out at me was purple so that became my complete design idea! Last night, Rachal came over to help me paint, but little did we know that painting was gonna be one of the last things we were gonna do. In fact, she barely got to paint; well actually when we got tired of that wallpaper we doodled on the wall. We spent like three hours trying to rip wall paper off the wall. We were gonna rip it off the four walls, but that would have taken a lifetime, even with my little brother helping us!

The turn out was unbelievable! I am still amazed as I sit in my room typing this. Paint can do wonders for a room. It can make something look bedazzled. In fact, I'm starting to think paint is my own private bedazzler. I actually managed to do some DIY projects here! The easel that you see at the bottom picture, I painted with acrylic paint before I had even done the room. Then, I went over it with the paint I used for the walls to give it a rugged look to it. Also, there's a little white-slash-purplish table with a mirror and perfume box. I painted that too! It was an oak table and I went over it with spray paint. I had run out of spray paint before I finished the whole table, so I grabbed some of the paint that I use for paintings and I used that over the missing spots. After that, I grabbed some of the paint used in the wall, and just brushed the table lightly with that to give it a subtle purple color. I actually had fun redoing my room!

PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS! MUAH:D

Dreams Are Real...I Think?

This was me a few days before I got a very important call. Me and Rachal got spur of the moment haircuts that same day and it was 100% unplanned. We showed up at the same hair salon at the same time! It was so wierd! I'm like, "Hey, is that my homie getting off that Van?" And she's like, "Hey, homie is that you at 8:15am." Okay, so it didn't happen that way, but it was similar...not really. But the point was the wierdness of showing up at the same place at the same time.

Later that day we went to the mall, so that I could see if I had finally learned self control with money in my pocket and items to buy all around me. I passed...I think? I only bought two pairs of aviators, one for Rachal and one for me. She chose Stuntah Shades! And I chose Classy Shades! Which we are modeling in this wonderful picture. And a pair of flowery flats.

After the mall, we went to my mom's friends house. And I'm pretty sure, Rachal felt very uncomfortable. It's hard being in a room with loud Spanish people and not understanding what they're screaming about or what's so exciting.

After the mall, I was insanely hungry so we decided to go to Chile Verde! One of the awesomest places to eat Mexican Cuisine in Monroe. We met our cute waiter, Mr. Mario Lopez. Alright, I wished it was him, but we got a less cuter guy than him, whose name was Mario. He was so surprised when I burst out speaking to him in Spanish. We started talking about how he's from Puerto Rico and one of his parents is from Honduras. Which is where I'm from! He turned out to do all the talking and flirting with me and then before I left he said, "Eh, Tu amiga esta bien hermosa no? Habla le de mi." What was I supposed to do, that's SOOOO wrong. You don't a)chat up a girl who's enjoying the attention and b)say that you think her friend is beautiful. And this is why, girls are going the other way. lol. Whatever, I love knowing that I'm always gonna be two years ahead of a guy, mentally. It's empowering!!!

Where I was heading with this blog has nothing to do with anything I just wrote. LOL! But I didn't want to do seperate blogs about all this. A few days after that, I was on Facebook, and I ran across an Ad for modeling and acting with the Michael Turney Agency(MTA). I looked them up and wasted no time in sending in my basic info. Ever since I was 12, I've been auditioning in anything that involves acting and modeling. In fact, I think I was scammed once. I never got some pics back from some guy. Let's not talk about that, cus it makes me depressed to think about. I've auditioned for Pro-Scout like 4-5 times, and always failed. I auditioned at John Robert Powers in Birmingham, and I had finally made it, but I had to move away.

Now, I am here again trying for a dream that could or couldn't come true. I drove an hour away to audition for MTA, 2 days ago, and it was pouring down rain. I really didn't care about the rain, in fact it motivated me. I got to the office with my hair half messed up after the rain had it's say. Michael made us walk a T-shaped Runway. I was the first one there so they made me go first. I was a little bit nervous, but since I've done this a million times, even at night with my head on the pillow. I felt good, my head was high up and I strutted down that runway. I must have done well. If I had seen that money sign in Michael's eyes. Then we had to do a cold read for a short commercial. I was definitely confident there too. I even heard some ladies going, "She's really good" And even Michael said, "Very Good!" My mom wasn't too happy until she saw me up there shining like that. In fact, it was the first time that I felt that she was on board of something so important to me, that didn't involve education. Well, that sounds mean, but I mean as in that all her dreams for me are to become a successful doctor and they stop there.

That night during the audition, Michael had told us all that if we didn't get a call back, then we didn't make it. I got a call the next day, I think around 11am. Lisa, an agent, told me that they wanted to make an appointment to see me again. So I made it!!I was running around the house like crazy! My mom wasn't so enthused, but she was pretty glad that I had made it. I learned that whether we sign a contract or not, I can't let people decide things for me. It's all up to me, what I want to do. If people are influencing you at something you don't want to do, why not stand up and say, "Hey, this is me, not you. You worry about you, I worry about me." I can't wait for the appointment!!! I am slowly discovering that I have free will, of course I've got to wait till I'm out of this house to experience my free will, but this feels like a good start. Why not try saying, "Hey, I don't want a Spinach salad mom! I want a lettuce salad!" or "I will not clean my room now! I'll do it when you pull out the threats!" If I did that I would no longer be able to write anymore posts soooo, maybe I shouldn't try that.

Well, Jenessy out! Peace, Love, and JESUS!

Vintage, The love for old things!

I have this obsession about old things(yes, another obsession). Not old, old but old looking things like vintage clothes, cams, or sometimes even furniture, but it seems like nobody understands that old things can be beautiful things.

I love retro cameras and I was gonna buy this one, but I needed something that was more people friendly, so I'll just wait till I find a modern digi-cam with a vintage touch.

Like, the other day I told my mom "I wanna find a vintage store around here." Of course this was in Spanish, cus she doesn't understand much English. And then she said, "Why do you wanna buy crap?" and so I kept my mouth shut and ignored the evil remark. After all, she's still my mom, respect is important. Well, for now atleast cus she's pregnant and annoying for the moment.

I looked for vintage stores here in Monroe, but the only thing closest to that is Goodwill, and I'll dare to say that courage is important before entering the store, because there's too many clothes and it's hard to find what you THINK you're looking for. For now I'm sticking to Forever 21 and online stores. For my 17th bday, me and my friend Billy(Billencia) went to Forever 21 so that I could choose my present and I chose this dress.

I'm rearranging my style to be a vintagey, cardigan-wearing, chic. I tried putting something together that worked for me, but in this 100 degree heat, I can not wear. I want to get into wearing pearls, pink dresses, shorts with flowered cardigans, but leaving in this town makes it a little less possible so I've found different vintage stores from all over the U.S...Or maybe just in California. There's this online store called LAvintage.com and they've got the cutest and original looking clothes ever. Prices are not so cheap, but if I want it, hey! It's worth it. Since I'm loving dresses in this weather I've looked at a few from their site.

Just add a Strappy, Brown belt and Jesus sandles and you're ready to go.

I love how girly this one is, and it just screams, "Wanna get Ice Cream at the Polo Club!"

This dress is just so casually awesome to me. I'd love wearing it, but knowing that my cleavage is a huge issue for me, it wouldn't be a smart buy, unless I wanted to just stare at it in aww every morning.

Look Down. This is where vintage can sometimes be crazy, I would not go out in that. I love that headband though. I have one with chains that I wanted, but didn't know if I should tap into my guilty pleasure, which is wearing chains and black. lol. Not emo-like, think tough chic. Ofcourse another item from my favorite store, Forever 21. Rachal, my BFF, was there to be that inside voice when I wanted to buy it, and she encouraged me to get it. Whenever I wear it, my mom looks at me like I'm crazy. She just doesn't know what unique means in Spanish or English. lol.

I'm also into Rompers recently, because they're just like dresses except they cover your HOo-Hah! Completely. I bought a flowery one at a MaxRave store and I was a little bit scared to wear it out, but I conquered my fear when I went to church last night with them on. The girls thought it was cute, but Blaine-a guy-had something to say about it, "Umm...Is your shirt stuck to those shorts?" I just laughed like, what an idiot. And then answered, "It's called a Romper, and you've gotta have confidence to pull this off." He later told me, "I wish my sweat pants were stuck to my t-shirt." lol. He's pretty funny. But there is a difference between rompers and jumpers. Jumpers are what I would never dare to wear. It's pants with a shirt. Not gonna happen! Along with my other favorite online vintage store, Spanish Moss. I found a few rompers I liked.

This blue one is like my soul mate. The price is over $100, and unless I had a couple of thousands in the bank, I'm not getting it. It's sooo gorgeous, and all it needs is a long pearl necklace and pearl earrings.

It's so simple and adorabluh. I can see pearls on this one too or maybe a flower print or any print colored cardigan. Those glasses are ahmazing!

Kind of rustic-looking. I kind of like it, but if worn wrong, it could be a huge regret. Found at Charlotte Russe only.

Well now you know my style or no estylo, as my mom calls it. I've been here trying to write this for too long, I'm gonna go chill my butt on another chair. TTYL:D

Summer Love? Not Likely

OMG! Summer is road trips, summer luv affairs, hanging with friends, blah blah blah! You know what it is, it's the time we spend thinking about when we're bundled up in 2 to 3 layers of clothes in the winter time. Well, it's here and now there's so many plans but it's already mid-june!! I feel like I'm running out of time, what do I do? Well, I need to make a huge list of things that involve: Visiting colleges, getting college info asap, and visiting colleges. I thought this was gonna be the summer of my life, I've finally found a group of friends I don't have to try around, a place where I can finally be me, and people that care about me, but I'm gonna have to spend most of the time contemplating college decisions.

Another downside of summer is the imagined things you're gonna get with that tan, or in my case superdarkitis(very dark). Where is that summer love I was promised from all those movies? Excuse me! Can I get a man with that side of potatoes? This is going nowhere for me, I've heard you don't have to be a 5'9-skinny-long haired-blonde to get any guy to like you, I'm 5'1-short haired-definitely not blonde and look at me...I got nada! What I do have is an amazing guy I liked and he liked me, except one thing took me by surprise. He's G-A-Y! You can't really prepare for these sorts of things, I see. So the one guy I had a chance with doesn't like my gender. lol. I just have to accept him although I'll have moments when I'll sneak some flirtatiousness into our IM's or emails, forgetting that he doesn't like girls. I'm out of potentials!

One thing I learned is that we all have potential's! Potential boyfriends, potential jobs, potential friends. And those potentials can go away at any moment so don't make plans without being sure, false hope is EVIL so don't fall for it...I mean it!

Gotta go! I'm in a Days Inn in Hammond, LA it's nice here. I'm going out in a minute to find some more potentials, yep false hope always gets us and yet I never learn, Buh bye :D