I am sitting in yearbook class right now. It's 8:21 am and I'm having a good time with my yearbook buds, Brandie, Cassie, Sierra, and Jasmyn. I'm loving this class so much. These girls are awesome!
What isn't awesome is that I am once again on that railroad I said I was off. Last night I talked to Banana--that's the guy that I hung out with last weekend. We have become so insanely intimate, and when I say intimate I don't mean what you're thinking. I mean intiment in the way that he knows my insecurities. He knows my mind too well and it freaks me out. I went crazy on him yesterday after my realization, and it triggered other things inside of me. I have all this excess stuff that I need to get rid of before I can commit to anything. He's the only guy that has ever heard me cry, and the only guy who is there to listen. Not even Roberto knows me that well. How can you become so close to a stranger? I have no idea, but I did it.
This morning I walked into class and Banana was there talking to the other girls. That didn't bother me, because he always has a long line of girls. LOL. We're somewhat alike, because it's the same way for me. I was acting aloof, because of the talk we had last night. He's also the only guy that I argued with over nothing. He sounded mad about me being so undecided. I cried for a long while and he called back. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. He's the only person who's ever held my hand to hold my hand. He's the kind of person that will sit there and fix the problem, but I can't fix the problem when I don't know what the problem is. I'm sorry that he has to deal with all these emotions, but what gets me is that he can handle all that. Why did he have to like me? Why did he have to call me? Why did we become a couple and we're not even dating? If I think about it further I swear it hurts.
Where is my boyfriend through all this? Not here at all. Banana is the only person that can confuse me when I've got it all down. Or atleast I think I've got it all down, but I don't. That's another thing he told me that hit home; he said that whenever I'm not thinking I'm happy. It made so much sense! That day we spent, I didn't think until I thought about something. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. At this point I'm considering becoming a nun. I heard about a monestary in England. I believe I'd like Europe. In fact, I'd love Europe! Maybe holding myself captive from men and all that is the only way I can be happy. The only time I'm completely happy is when I'm reading about other peoples' lives. That's pretty sad!
Anyway, I walked in and he didn't say anything to me. It could be because I was avoiding looking in his direction. After this class I have to pass him in the hallway:'( I don't know if I can handle two more classes, but I'm going to have to. Ahh...I'm getting goosebumps. I'm still keeping positive that God is above me and no matter what happens it's all for the best.
Peace, Love, and Jesus<3
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