The SHIYATAY! No, That's not a Karate move...

It is 7:33 on a Friday night on this side of the U.S. How do I know that? Because I'm typing when I could be doing something exciting. I know what I want to write about but I don't want to sound like a baby. But I'm willing to sound like a baby, so I don't care.

A few days ago something unforseen happened...I got a bf!! UnFrankenBelievable. That was definitely unforseen. I obviously did two blogs about that so I'll give it a rest with my deep thoughts. Now, the somewhat unforseen has happened. My friend has friends. lol. Not that she didn't, but she's got another best friend. I knew that, I just thought there was nothing to worry about since I thought she knew how to balance things, but it doesn't seem that way. Which is why I'm alone at currently 7:44. I sound like I have no other friends, but I do it's just that everyone has their close friends and I used to have close friends until they lost their appeal one by one. Oops, that sounded mean(not naughty), but I don't care cus I'm not hiding anything.

Ray is probably chilling with KKK, my nickname for the other one and her boyfriend, who it's fine with me he's cool. I would be chilling my bf, if he was here but he's not. I'm currently standing up because my pregnant mother took the computer chair and she doesn't mind watching me type standing up with a limp leg. That baby bump is too much weight to sit on the bed, apparently. I'm feeling like I wanna go outside and chill for a while. Maybe I'll talk to Roberto, who ditches me all the time but it's okay because he's Roberto. Yeah, Ray has no excuses cus I've obviously made like two appointments to hang with my homie, but homie doesn't care. Those two times have been spent with said, KKK. We've got lots to talk about: Me and my newfound glory, her and her life, lol. GOD, I'm a bore, maybe that's why she's gone.

I don't even want to talk to her about anything anymore. This could be something fixable once again, but I don't want fixable, I want instant. It may just be a bad case of the green-eyed monster, but that monster has consumed me to the core. I'm not afraid to take a stand...Like Eminem says. I notice that friendship only lasts so long until it all falls apart. Same as relationships, well that's in my opinion. And don't get me wrong, some friendships are amazing. Hey, I'm still friends with Roberto, Jessica, and Leah! That must mean something, right? I might go hang with Jimmy for a little while and then sit in the backyard, watching how many mosquito bites it takes till I come back inside. Then, I'll watch Jersey Girl for the millionth time. WOW, BIG PLANS BETTER GET TO THEM!!

Goodnight Blogger:)

NOTE TO RAY:

Since we don't talk much these days I want you to know that I won't be able to pick you up for school this year. It's not my choice...the tri-mom(my mom) wants to patrol the first few days so yeah. I think I'm semi-satisfied, so I'm fine with having myself. So, don't you worry about a thing. I think I'll be fine focusing on my AWESOME Senior year and all. I'll just hang with the guys and my new found freedom. Once again, I believe isolating myself from people will help. This will help until I'm left completely alone. Some dramatic trauma wouldn't be so bad, it inspires me. Thanks for everything girl!! Love ya:)

Unexpected Return :'(

I'm feeling like this little girl here. Running away in the sun, but getting nowhere. She doesn't know where to turn or where to head, because everything looks the same. I'm a feeler and that's not even a word. But what I'm saying is that I feel too much. When I'm not feeling I want to feel. And when I'm feeling I don't want to feel(oooh...that sounded naughty.lol.). I want to run in all directions without obstacles in the way. Like this girl, I want to run in a field, mindlessly. Without worrying who's watching and where I'm going. If I could run away from everything, I'd go there.

I think I know what I'd be running from. I'd be running from him. Him, who is no longer a memory, a song, or an almost fictional character in my mind. I almost started to believe he was fictional, because it was almost like he was gone after a thought. In a not-so-creepy-way, I would look him up on myspace just to know that he was real. It only tortured me more though, and it helped less. I started having a life and he was almost forgotten. But there'd be nights in which he was an important topic to the little people that live in my head. Whenever I heard or hear his name my heart rate speeds up. I start thinking so hard that I feel that others can hear me screaming at myself. He was a gun shooting bullets at me. I was wounded and now that I think about it, I may still be. I've been doing so good lately, I'm afraid that he might take it all away from me again. A few days ago, he sent me a message saying that he was sorry about treating me like crap. What scared me most was that I didn't hesitate to forgive him.

It's almost like if I was in that field, I'd be running towards him not from him. Then as I usually tend to do, I poured out all my feelings in a message. And I might have messed it up like usual. I'm always in a mental mess that I get out of but land in it again. I need to stop being stagnant or looking backwards, I know I need to move forward and I'm trying. It's just hard to do when you're not in an open field, but in a populated environment. All I know is I'm trying but I seem to be partly failing and partly succeeding. I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm heading. I know where I want to be and who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. He's only messing me up even more! I'll make it somehow though...