Unexpected Return :'(

I'm feeling like this little girl here. Running away in the sun, but getting nowhere. She doesn't know where to turn or where to head, because everything looks the same. I'm a feeler and that's not even a word. But what I'm saying is that I feel too much. When I'm not feeling I want to feel. And when I'm feeling I don't want to feel(oooh...that sounded naughty.lol.). I want to run in all directions without obstacles in the way. Like this girl, I want to run in a field, mindlessly. Without worrying who's watching and where I'm going. If I could run away from everything, I'd go there.

I think I know what I'd be running from. I'd be running from him. Him, who is no longer a memory, a song, or an almost fictional character in my mind. I almost started to believe he was fictional, because it was almost like he was gone after a thought. In a not-so-creepy-way, I would look him up on myspace just to know that he was real. It only tortured me more though, and it helped less. I started having a life and he was almost forgotten. But there'd be nights in which he was an important topic to the little people that live in my head. Whenever I heard or hear his name my heart rate speeds up. I start thinking so hard that I feel that others can hear me screaming at myself. He was a gun shooting bullets at me. I was wounded and now that I think about it, I may still be. I've been doing so good lately, I'm afraid that he might take it all away from me again. A few days ago, he sent me a message saying that he was sorry about treating me like crap. What scared me most was that I didn't hesitate to forgive him.

It's almost like if I was in that field, I'd be running towards him not from him. Then as I usually tend to do, I poured out all my feelings in a message. And I might have messed it up like usual. I'm always in a mental mess that I get out of but land in it again. I need to stop being stagnant or looking backwards, I know I need to move forward and I'm trying. It's just hard to do when you're not in an open field, but in a populated environment. All I know is I'm trying but I seem to be partly failing and partly succeeding. I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm heading. I know where I want to be and who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. He's only messing me up even more! I'll make it somehow though...