Independence In July

Things have been going interestingly lately. Hmmm...where to start? I kinda lost my job or I guess I've been laid off, I can't really tell because there are blurred lines everywhere. I want my job back but at the same time I don't because to be honest I'm not sure if I was satisfied with it in the first place. If there was an easier way...without complications I'd do it.

I recently took a roadtrip with my friends to New Orleans and things took a turn for the bad so that obviously didn't go well. lol. I can't even talk about it!!!

I'm starting to feel like things are turning topsy turvy. Great things are happening but bad things are happening too and I can't help but have the suspicious feeling that I'm gonna get screwed over by someone or something.

For example: I started talking to this guy and his anonymous name will be Jake. So this Jake guy is almost too good to be true and he says the same about me. This feels concieted and awkward to say but when a guy is into me, he is really REALLY into me. Into me so much that I have to ask for space and this guy is actually into me but he's also giving me space which is awkward for me because I've never really had that and it's bugging me that he's not falling out to be with me. He's so sweet and the things he's interested in blows me away. I really like him but I don't wanna be the kind of girl who is suffocating. I know it's stupid but the way that he's not suffocating me feels like I may just screw this one up already. I'll try to be optimistic but it can be pretty difficult with this one.

Hopefully I'll stop being so complex minded and everything will be fine:) I just always hate wanting something so bad it feels like it's going to just blow away in the wind if I don't catch it soon enough. And this is why I'm better at being single than anything else in the world...

My Life Recently

I haven't written for a while because I've been so busy but guess what? I'm at work, It's 5:40 and I have nothing to do. Just twenty more minutes till I'm out of here. What has happened in my life? Too much!! LOL! So I'll try to catch you up even though I may not recall everything. So yesterday I got a belly button ring and I'm soooo uber excited, I keep touching it. I just won't stop! It was unexpected yesterday:) I've been wanting something since I've recently turned 18 on May the 20th. I want a feather tattoo but it costs more money and the pain is more than the 10 seconds of hell that I suffered last night. Hmmm...What's next? Oh yes! Next Friday I will be going to New Orleans to let my freak flag fly! lol, I love saying that. Just to let loose with some friends. I've realized that these are the people that I don't have drama with. It's gonna be the best! I love them:) I've been making a lot of money lately since I started working full time and I need to control my spending but I barely can. Two days ago I splurged on a new car stereo with my own money and today my BFF Billy went and got it installed for me! YAY! Now I just can't wait to go home!!

Things are going well besides the small things that are disruptions. Like I broke up with my boyfriend because he's wayyyyyyyy too laid back for me. I'm so up and going and he's so blah. I liked him alot but our differences made our relationship kind of annoying. Am I ever gonna be able to get married!? I'm so not one to settle!

Another thing that has happened is that an ex best friend is annoying as hell! All I have to say is that if you don't like me, don't talk to me and pretend to be civil, when you're not in the right mind. Just like I have to say, I'm not gonna talk to you like it's all good when I don't like you. Liars these days...but it's all good! I'm soooo excited!

This summer has been great so far! I'm working on not letting things and other people get me down and it's working, because I have the mind set that problems will be problems and there will ALWAYS be problems but if you don't know how to handle them and push them aside then you're not going to be happy and that is my buddhist/christian point of view! So now it's 5:54 and I have a few more minutes till I'm out of here! I just wanna go now. I can say that all I'm gonna do today is sit in front of the tv with a bowl of Blue Bell Ice Cream, and that is how I must live this awesome day!Feels amazing:)

OH AND BTW! HELL YEAH, I'M EIGHTEEN AND LEGAL!

Huh? Say what now!?

Here's a question: What does a mother say the first time that her daughter comes home and says, "Mom, I've met a guy." If it was me, I'd love my mom to be supportive and want the details like a best friend would, but as many guys that I have met I don't know how to go straight to my mom and actually say those words, "Mom, I've met a guy." I was just thinking about this last night and how I am seventeen and because I'm not allowed to date my parents have missed out on hearing about a big part of my life. A love life, because they don't know that such life exists with their daughter. I would love to talk to them about it but for this I can only talk to my friends and certain family members about it. I was just having a thought about how stressful it may be when I go to my parents when I meet a great guy. The parents and I have an open relationship but it doesn't include the casual guys in my life.

Right and True

I've got a serious question! What is right? What is true? I have no idea what the answer to that is. I notice that I usually get on here when I'm either on a lively high or feeling low and I apologize for the range of emotions that I provide for the blogger world. I'm not exactly sure where to start because my life is like a full on rollercoaster that just never stops it's one thing one moment and another thing the next. I'm at work right now and a patient that just left almost made me cry. How did he do that? Well he started of with slight teasing about how I should know what I'm doing by now. I work at a Chiropractic Clinic by the way and if you know how the lingo goes then here is what happened:

He was sitting in a chair ready to be hooked up for stim so I already had the leeds ready to be used. I went into the hydroculator to get two heat packs. One for the cervical area and one for the lumbar. I grabbed two towels to put them under the heat packs so that he wouldn't burn to death[which right now I wouldn't mind] because I care for people. When I was about to put the towel on him, Dr.T corrected me about how I should put the towel on him. So I fixed it and the dumbass decides to say, "You've been working here for months now, right? You should know what you're doing by now." And I for one am one hell of an understanding person but I don't tolerate rude people so it took all that was in me to not say anything at all. After that the stim machine beeped so I had to go get it and I started with the one on the opposite side but it was the wrong side. ooopsss! He laughed out loud about where my mind is and I wish I could've told him, "It's soooo far away because I'm imaging ways that I could torture you right now you idiotic ignorant bastard." But he's a patient so I couldn't exactly say that.

And that's how I'm doing today. UGHHH!!! Almost cried and almost killed. I like the second better:/ I ask what is right, because it's not right to just criticize people you don't know so it sucks for him that whenever he comes in I'm gonna have it in for him. Sweet Revenge:) I know we have to turn the other cheek, blah, blah, blah but yeah I'm gonna be devilish for a bit and enjoy the torture that I can bring. And that isn't right, but hey shit happens, right? RIGHT!

PEACE OUT
JMe

Wiled-up Wednesday!

OH:( Today isn't like the other day in which I posted that last blog entry. My throat feels like it has a giant fat cat stuck inside of it and I keep trying to push it down but it won't stop coming back up. It feels like this is going to be the suckiest day ever! Where is that enthusiasm I had the other day? Down someone elses toilet maybe.

I'm stuck in yearbook class and I'm non-responsive to everyone, even Cassie who's been getting on my nerves lately. I thought the girl was cool until her sense of humor went from reasonable and normal to jerky and I-wanna-punch-you-in-the-face-everytime-you-say-something. Yep:/ This is the life right here!

It's 8:36 am and I leave at 10:45am. I can't wait. I'm in need of food! Then I have to go to work at two and something tells me that I'm gonna get into trouble at some point today. If you would like to know what the hell else is wrong with me, I will tell you. I am just a PMS-ing mess right now! I think I need to chill out but I'm chill enough in this 40 degree weather. I live in flipping LOUISIANA, for goodness sake! Wasn't it promised or incenuated that it remained a good temperature all year? Nope, I wasn't. You know why? Because nothing is a frikkin guarantee! Whoop-dee-doo! I will talk to y'all later and hopefully my state of misery will be gone. I need some of my sunshine back!

Restlessly Angry,
xoxoxo Jenessy

Energizer Bunny of a Mind:)

Ahhh:) Oh sweet, sweet life of me! I don't want to continue talking about myself, but I'm gonna have to because this is a blog about me. I am sooooooooooo proud of everything I've accomplished in the past year. I have thought up my own ideas and I've finally become the person that I wanted to be. ME! I'm the kind of person that always finds room for change, because without change life is boring! My perspective on things have improved thanks to a little hobby that I acquired on Saturday.


On Saturday Rachal and I ran/walked a 5K for charity and I even bought an outfit simply to look like I knew what I was doing. In a way it was to look intimidating but once I started running it was like a mouse trying to be intimidating against a bunch of lions. Rachal and I finished in-don't laugh-50 minutes, but I felt a tremendous amount of energy that couldn't have been put to rest or so I thought until we both went home and I fell asleep on her! Either way, I was filled with so much confidence because I had ran three miles in almost thirty degree weather. Thanks to that, there's a cloud of hope above me saying that I can do anything and everything that I want to do! I even ran Sunday on my own and I didn't want to stop, I think I'm on a roll and I love it!


After those three miles there is inspiration flowing through me and I guess this is where I'm starting to show off my newfound inspiration. I had no idea where to start with all of this excitement. I want to keep creating music and poetry but I'm sooooooo unbelievably stagnant with a load of ideas!! I feel like I'm being very vague and not explaining everything but this is not getting any better. I go from thought to thought and I'm sorry but my mind is an evercharged energizer bunny, always running from idea to idea. I guess this is why my blog is called beautifully broken! Everything said is broken into thoughts that aren't all explained. HAHA! Well, in conclusion to this post...I am very happy and satisfied with how things are going. I'm inspired to live and continue living! For the first time in my life, I have ditched the guys and it's just me and my friends. I didn't know I could live without having a guy in mind! For this I deserve a cookie! I will definitely go get one after work! Ooops. I revealed my location. I guess it's wrong to do other unjobly things like blog during work, so shhh...Don't tell my boss. I'm trusting you keep my dirty little secret;)


C'est la vie, c'est ma vi!
xoxo Jenessy:)

Decade of Mourning

Shadows have fallen with one simple trace
They have told me to keep in place
I can't forget of that time when the face of an angel
Beheld all the rest

Its plots of disfortune that lead to that grave
And tears of the molders that paved the way for
The small minds with loud cries that attempted to shed death to the foreigners that didn't hold out their hands

So the sharp pangs of guilt that kept us up at night
Were mistaken for knives caught on our backs
And this is the last time sorry is in my mind
I'll accept the differences and zip these lips with shame

Searching through search

I don't want to be melodramatic again about this other guy. We have established my facination with the male species so I should not be judged twice but rather once, since we already know what I am...boy crazy! While I have a constant need to dig through every guy I like or am fascinated by, I've learned that I learn from these guys.
I promise there is a lesson learned from the dousche bags to the sweet hearts. Case 1: Adam(The ex)-In that case I was a jerk for cheating on him in the name of revenge because he neglected me the first time that we went out. I learned that karma will one day bite you in the narts! Case 2: Jacob(The ex-ex)-Don't ever date someone because you think that you will learn to like that person as much as they like you. The fact that they like you so much might mean that they have ingrown stalker tendencies and no one needs to be in a relationship in which the other is calling every two minutes. It will shortly turn from flattery to obsession and no one wants that, now do they. See. I learned something better.
The last important case in which I've learned something is Case 3:Unmentionable(The-not-boyfriend-but-somewhat-feels-like-it-but-its-just-complicated)-I have learned tons of great things from him. Its because of him that I'm starting to have a view and opinion on many things like religion. Its also because of him that I'm learning how to train myself to not go insane when a guy doesn't want what you want. How did I learn this? He drives me insane so I've taught myself how to refrain from having anxiety attacks. Just take a breather and worry less because in most cases guys Don't care as much as girls do. In order to have piece of mind I have to impersonate a guy...and it works for me.
These are a few of the things that I've learned by being a male obsessed obsessee. It doesn't stop here because the world is my oyster and this oyster has many pearls and some are shiny. And the shiny ones grab my attention!

ICU

For my mom, it's called ICU. I love her sooo much. She's made it through sooo much and I know she'll make it through this.


I’m staring at this preciousness you gave
I can’t help but think one day this could be permanent
And I don’t ever wish to feel this way
You’re not here, but you will be okay

I was driving these streets with tears in my eyes
And the drivers passing by only saw me cry
They couldn’t tell what was sitting inside me
It was all the things I hope for you and me

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words not staying in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Everyone keeps saying that I’m so strong
But when no one’s here it feels all wrong
And the hurt inside my throat
Is now something normal
And I’ll hide behind these claims
So no one sees me that way
But I’m the first to break down
When no one is around

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words and I kept in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

In the darkness I called out
I called out your name
Hoping you could hear me
And maybe you would do the same

Sailing Blue Boat

We are at a rail
And I can't stop it
I was holding back this trail
But I can't help but want it
I wish I could land on solid ground
Instead of this shaky ocean

CHORUS
I'm a sailing blue boat
Stuck in a storm
Don't know which way to go
I'm a sailing blue boat
Out in the middle of nowhere
And there's an island near
But I can't reach it

You are like quicksand
I keep falling through you
I hold my head up high
Trying to make it past you
You leave me hanging
But you're still there
You said you'd love me if you could
But you can't, I don't get it

Chorus 1x

You are my steering wheel
My hands are shaking
You are my one shot deal
Don't want to mess with it
I've never been so confused
My hands are shaking

Chorus 1x

I'm a sailing blue boat
Out and about somewhere
You're the storm ahead
I'm a sailing blue boat
And I can't be saved
I am my own wreck

Rebellion Ends In Ice Cream!!

If last night was Friday, what does that make today???

SATURDAY!!

Great answer...it's the only answer. I wish I could go back to Friday and relive Friday until next Friday. Right now I feel annoyed because my mom won't go to another room as I try to create awesome music. I can't produce music while she's in here asking me what she should wear to church tomorrow. The thought is kinda funny, picture this:

Me sitting on the computer chair typing lyrics, and her pulling out clothes from her closet while I'm deep in thought. Me with the computer mic. and her asking me, "How can people live underground? My goodness!" Of course in Spanish. I feel like snapping a pencil in half. I'm a mad man typer with the ear microphone stuck on my ear and she doesn't get that I'm busy trying to make magic happen!!

It's not funny, actually. I just keep thinking that if I had my own place. I could make awesome music!! If I had my own place, I wouldn't be home as much, I'd still visit my parents alot, but sometimes there are things that must be done-like make music-without them there. I NEED my own apartment. I'm gonna make that the next goal!

ANYWAYS!! Friday! What I was saying about Friday was that it was pretty cool, and it's how this blog entry got it's name. I went to school. Got out early like usual. Went to work. After work I had a football game to attend and take pictures bc I'm in Yearbook. Me and Billy of course planned it so we could both go to the game. After being out on the field and dodging the football players we built up an appetite, so we left earlier. We wanted to hang out, but we wanted to be rebellious. Our plan was to get kicked out of Wal-Mart, so we were headed to walmart. We passed ULM and we wanted to see what it was like to be college students so we parked and were about to walk the campus, but decided not to. We still had in mind that we were gonna go and try to get kicked out of Wal-Mart. Somehow the plan changed and we wanted ice cream so we went to Eskimos. Since Eskimos was close to the park, we headed to the park. At the park we did our Jersey Shore Inspired Fist Pumps, while she blasted, "Like a G6, like a like a G6..." It was a pretty cool night. After that, I had to go home so I went home and remembered that we had forgotten to go to wal-mart and get kicked out. LOL! Our quest to rebel, ended in a fist pumping, ice cream eating, good time at the park. Yeah, I'm that kind of rebellious teenager...

A Walk In Dead Noise

I have been reading This I Believe, which is a book that my AP English teacher made us read. I am blown away at the thoughts in that book, that I'm starting to think that I am bound to be an intelligent being at some point in my life. And I think that some point is now. I am tapping into different parts of life that I've never had to think about, needless to say that I'm finally feeling mature.

Today I had a special realization into my own personal lifestyle that I had planned out as my life career. I wanted to be a nurse, because that seems to be the only option. Why is that my only option? Well, I hate school and it only takes four years to become a nurse and the pay is more than decent. I'm not doing it because I'm passionate about it and I'm not even excited about the idea of having to cure people. Excuse me for sounding so careless, but I can't sit there and sew on somebodys toe. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

I came to this realization through experience. Today, my mom didn't feel good. She had chills, body ache, head ache, and the pain was so severe that she couldn't even eat, so I called my dad and he told me to take her to the ER.

I sat down in the waiting room for a nurse to call my moms name. I looked around and I found that for a Sunday, there were a lot of people there. How many things can go wrong on a the day of rest? Everyone was talking joyously as if they weren't sitting in an emergency room. I felt alone as if I was the only one thinking about the people that probably sat in my seat crying because they witnessed a death of some sort. I felt cold and sterile and chained. How could these people be smiling when so many people had died? This room was filled with children fighting, babies crying, and people talking, but my mind was silent. Then they put me and my mom in a hallway. There were patient beds all over the place. People hooked up to machines while they were being carried off into Ambulances. Patients with heavy bags under their wrinkled eyes.

I know for sure that I will never get used to seeing grey haired women with bruises all over the body, a teenager with blood running down her leg, caused by a deep cut on her knee. Maybe I can get used to it, but I don't see why I would like to come to work and find it normal for something to be fatally wrong with every patient. I can't DO THIS for a living. I rather be a struggling actor living under trees in Central Park. And now I am forced back to question, "What must I do to make a living?" Everything I want to do is a bit difficult to achieve. I don't want to hear, "Oh, you really think you can do that? That's a million and one chance." I've got a calling for something way different. I've accepted the fact that I want to fall in LOVE! FALL IN LOVE WITH WHAT I DO! I don't want a desk job that bores me to death and I hate waking up to each morning.

Falling in love is what's going to lead to my happiness, and that has led me to go to college for something that is somewhat pleasant. Because while I'm doing that job, I will be doing what I want to do, which laugh at it or don't but it's modeling and acting and maybe even singing. I want to write stories, lyrics, and poetry. I want to take pictures for a living. Those are the things that I want to do for a living and those are the things that are the least likely. But if I want it, I can make it happen. Nothing is certain, but I know that Nursing is not my desire, my wish, or passion.

It's a New Day...

I am sitting in yearbook class right now. It's 8:21 am and I'm having a good time with my yearbook buds, Brandie, Cassie, Sierra, and Jasmyn. I'm loving this class so much. These girls are awesome!

What isn't awesome is that I am once again on that railroad I said I was off. Last night I talked to Banana--that's the guy that I hung out with last weekend. We have become so insanely intimate, and when I say intimate I don't mean what you're thinking. I mean intiment in the way that he knows my insecurities. He knows my mind too well and it freaks me out. I went crazy on him yesterday after my realization, and it triggered other things inside of me. I have all this excess stuff that I need to get rid of before I can commit to anything. He's the only guy that has ever heard me cry, and the only guy who is there to listen. Not even Roberto knows me that well. How can you become so close to a stranger? I have no idea, but I did it.

This morning I walked into class and Banana was there talking to the other girls. That didn't bother me, because he always has a long line of girls. LOL. We're somewhat alike, because it's the same way for me. I was acting aloof, because of the talk we had last night. He's also the only guy that I argued with over nothing. He sounded mad about me being so undecided. I cried for a long while and he called back. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. He's the only person who's ever held my hand to hold my hand. He's the kind of person that will sit there and fix the problem, but I can't fix the problem when I don't know what the problem is. I'm sorry that he has to deal with all these emotions, but what gets me is that he can handle all that. Why did he have to like me? Why did he have to call me? Why did we become a couple and we're not even dating? If I think about it further I swear it hurts.

Where is my boyfriend through all this? Not here at all. Banana is the only person that can confuse me when I've got it all down. Or atleast I think I've got it all down, but I don't. That's another thing he told me that hit home; he said that whenever I'm not thinking I'm happy. It made so much sense! That day we spent, I didn't think until I thought about something. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. At this point I'm considering becoming a nun. I heard about a monestary in England. I believe I'd like Europe. In fact, I'd love Europe! Maybe holding myself captive from men and all that is the only way I can be happy. The only time I'm completely happy is when I'm reading about other peoples' lives. That's pretty sad!

Anyway, I walked in and he didn't say anything to me. It could be because I was avoiding looking in his direction. After this class I have to pass him in the hallway:'( I don't know if I can handle two more classes, but I'm going to have to. Ahh...I'm getting goosebumps. I'm still keeping positive that God is above me and no matter what happens it's all for the best.

Peace, Love, and Jesus<3

From the Hilltops...

It has finally hit me! Hit me like a subway train going past the tunnel on 145th st. OH YAH! It has hit me soooo hard. What has hit me?

I am FREE! Free as in I am no longer bound by chains against a never ending train rail that runs through my mind. Remember my confusion days? No more of those! I've got the answers to the Universe. Maybe not quite all the answers, but the answers of me. The best part of this is that God has set me free! At church yesterday we talked about a guy who's last name is Giglio. I urge you to look him up! Why do we fear?? My goodness I am just not even on that anymore! I am a precious creature just like everybody else on this Earth! Did you know that you are amazing and precious? Now you know! I promise you are!!

Today, I had decided that I was going to give in to something that seemed good enough. But usually things are too good to be true. I had stumbled for a minute, but after that I found myself here. Right HERE! Writing to you! I am too good to lose my value for someone who's not worth it. I can't believe I didn't see that before! It's part of that process that has alot to do with self esteem. I can proudly say that I am on that ladder to high self esteem and I can almost swear that nobody can stop me. I am WHO I am, no doubt about it. I can change for better but I'm not about to get worse to satisfy people. The Piranhas can try to get me down, but I trust in one person to keep me safe! And his name starts with a G...God! I feel like I'm preaching which is not my style but he loves that. lol. I am not just adornment. I am not a standby. I am who I am, and if you can't handle me(lol) then just walk away. I don't need negativity with all this positiveness! I'm ready to shine!

Love, Peace, and Jesus<3

My Time Now!

Today I had one of those hormonal days where you're either yelling and snapping at everyone or smiling and laughing at nothing at all. I had no idea why I was like that. When I was cleaning the bathroom I nearly broke into tears over something.

I know what that something was but I'm not gonna tell you. MUAHAHAHA!

I knew that the only way to cure my unhappiness was to go out and clear my head, so I went out with someone. Me and that someone have been talking alot lately and it's always about feelings which drives me hella crazy but atleast it feels to better to say things out loud even though he's always confused by me. He says that he doesn't mind my confusion, and that's pretty funny. I have to live with my confusion every single day of my life. lol.

Anyways! Me and that someone decided to go to an art museum today! We spent almost 20 minutes downtown looking for this art museum and we never found it. We went from road to road, street to street and found nothing at all. Supposedly, this museum closed at 5pm and by the time it was almost 5pm we still had found nothing so we decided to go somewhere else.

We voted to go to the movie theater located in the mall. When we got there we wanted to see Vampires Suck but it was sold out. We were willing to go to any movie for the closest times and the only movie available was Despicable Me, and I hate cartoon movies.

We were stuck doing nothing so we just roamed around in the mall for like two hours. It kind of scares me how compatible him and I seem. Too frikkin COMPATIBLE! And must I repeat myself again, "I have a boyfriend and I don't want to mess it up"

I'm afraid that I might have already messed up though. It's easy to think that things are easy to do! But they're not always easy!!

What is always great is to have a guide to help with your life. I've got God, who's helped me with so much lately and Roberto who's been listening to my issues since ever. Today, after my supposed mistake he was there to give me words to clear my mind. He's truthful and helpful at all times. I couldn't deal without ROB!! It's a little scary that when me and him talk, I've got the plan ready, but as soon as his voice isn't there I'm confused again. It's like when you're in math class and the teacher explains everything correctly and you understand, but as soon as you get home and work on that problem you're stuck. But lately me and him are more connected! We've talked every single day more than once for the past two weeks. IT'S WIERD!! I guess problems get people together. lol.

Going out today helped and didn't help! WOAH! My brother just brought me my cell and I've got two missed calls. One is obviously Roberto and the other...

Goodnight Blogger!
PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS!

I'm not whatsoever affiliated with the picture above of monroe, Louisiana. IP address:http://pics4.city-data.com/cpicc/cfiles9071.jpg

One Problem Is THE Problem!

When I think of myself, I think relaxed but lately I keep thinking DRAMATIC!!

I keep making things slightly bigger than they should be and my excuse is, "I'm a frikkin teenager, let me cry!" My latest problem is that I have no idea how my boyfriend is doing. I've gained some boldness since I've talked to him. I am bold enough to tell him how I feel and what I think. I gave him crap the other day and he gave me a bag filled with CRAP! Not literally, I don't think I would accept that as a gift. I like roses...roses that don't smell like boo boo boo.

I understand he's crabby sometimes, in fact it's kind of sexy. I bet that would be to my advantage if we were alone. I should stop talking about that, lol.

We haven't talked for the past two or three days and we've been going out for about a week and two days. My usual response to this would be to break up with him, but I am trying for this to work. When we don't speak, I just want this to be over when I've got other guys that need my attention. But when we're speaking everything is perfect. In fact, I told Roberto about this the other day and he said, "Why make a guy unhappy when you can make more guys happy?" That cracked me up, because it made alot of sense to me but I wouldn't admit it to Rob, of course because he thinks he's always right.

Is it sad to think that I want him to break up with me if he doesn't think this is working? A guy has never broken up with me, EVER! Why can't he just break up with me, atleast I'll know it didn't work out, but I don't know if this is working out or not. I really like him, but if he doesn't want this then why keep going? I wish I could see him all the time...well, that would probably be a problem because I can't control myself. TMI! If he doesn't call today, what am I supposed to do? Why stay with someone you can't see?

AAHHHH!!
Love, Jenessy

Senior Year, No More TEARS!

DUDE! I can't believe how fast life is moving, and I can't believe the people it's moving with. Do you get me? It's like things are changing and moving, but there's these new people around you. Once again, it's unforseen. A new year, my senior year. WOW!! I don't know whether to scream, cry, or laugh that I made it this far! In a few years I see myself having my own place to call home. No more mommy and daddy to tell me what I can or can't do. A year from now, I'll be walking around with an awesome crystal nose stud and a tattoo on my foot. Weird? Not for me anyways.

Wednesday is the half day. I'll be seeing the people that I missed this summer. Haircuts, different hair colors, and maybe even different attitudes. People can grow and reflect in just a few months. All I can say is WOWZA!! I know I've changed, I just can't wait to demonstrate. It's almost like if you put your mind to it, you can do it!! I didn't see myself come this far when I was thinking of my new year resolutions or even after that. I JUST AM!! This summer I expected so much, but you can't plan what you want to happen. You can actually plan it, but it doesn't always come your way. I started off this summer with an awesome friend that I could count on being there to my avail, but it didn't end that way. THINGS FRIKKIN CHANGE!! AHHH! :D I also started out feeling so small and naive, but now I can feel the world in my hands! It still may be my subtle naiveness, but I don't think that will ever go away. I have a change of heart as funny as it sounds.

Today at church we were talking about how you need to have a dedicated heart. That means what it sounds like it means. A dedicated heart is a dedicated heart. It's being able to push forward for something as far as it takes. I'm not like that when it's about Christianity. I'm a lazy Christian, I'll admit it any day. But I'm on my way to trying. I really want to try. Many people think that Christians can't stumble but we're just people with views and still people. I may not act like one alot of the time, but I'm going to start striving. I'm still a little bit stubborn and I don't feel like changing that so I'll let it be. There's things I know I should change, but at the same time I don't want to change. I can't do it all by myself, obviously. I'll let God help though I know that I've got serious issues. I'm still not willing to talk to some people. lol.

It still keeps hitting me...MY SENIOR YEAR!! WOW! It shouldn't begin with me avoiding some people, but that's not something I'm willing to change. DANG! I'm such a people hater!! We also learned today that you should love everyone. HOW TO DO THAT? I've got no idear! Hey, I'm used to making new friends I can do it again. It may not be people I've known for my whole life, like these little town people that know eachother will, but there's a risk and chance in everything. So why not try? I don't see why not. This will be Hella interesting :O

Peace, Love, and Jesus! MUAH:D

P.S. Idk y, but I feel poisonous lately. It's creeping me out, I have way to much power!

The SHIYATAY! No, That's not a Karate move...

It is 7:33 on a Friday night on this side of the U.S. How do I know that? Because I'm typing when I could be doing something exciting. I know what I want to write about but I don't want to sound like a baby. But I'm willing to sound like a baby, so I don't care.

A few days ago something unforseen happened...I got a bf!! UnFrankenBelievable. That was definitely unforseen. I obviously did two blogs about that so I'll give it a rest with my deep thoughts. Now, the somewhat unforseen has happened. My friend has friends. lol. Not that she didn't, but she's got another best friend. I knew that, I just thought there was nothing to worry about since I thought she knew how to balance things, but it doesn't seem that way. Which is why I'm alone at currently 7:44. I sound like I have no other friends, but I do it's just that everyone has their close friends and I used to have close friends until they lost their appeal one by one. Oops, that sounded mean(not naughty), but I don't care cus I'm not hiding anything.

Ray is probably chilling with KKK, my nickname for the other one and her boyfriend, who it's fine with me he's cool. I would be chilling my bf, if he was here but he's not. I'm currently standing up because my pregnant mother took the computer chair and she doesn't mind watching me type standing up with a limp leg. That baby bump is too much weight to sit on the bed, apparently. I'm feeling like I wanna go outside and chill for a while. Maybe I'll talk to Roberto, who ditches me all the time but it's okay because he's Roberto. Yeah, Ray has no excuses cus I've obviously made like two appointments to hang with my homie, but homie doesn't care. Those two times have been spent with said, KKK. We've got lots to talk about: Me and my newfound glory, her and her life, lol. GOD, I'm a bore, maybe that's why she's gone.

I don't even want to talk to her about anything anymore. This could be something fixable once again, but I don't want fixable, I want instant. It may just be a bad case of the green-eyed monster, but that monster has consumed me to the core. I'm not afraid to take a stand...Like Eminem says. I notice that friendship only lasts so long until it all falls apart. Same as relationships, well that's in my opinion. And don't get me wrong, some friendships are amazing. Hey, I'm still friends with Roberto, Jessica, and Leah! That must mean something, right? I might go hang with Jimmy for a little while and then sit in the backyard, watching how many mosquito bites it takes till I come back inside. Then, I'll watch Jersey Girl for the millionth time. WOW, BIG PLANS BETTER GET TO THEM!!

Goodnight Blogger:)

NOTE TO RAY:

Since we don't talk much these days I want you to know that I won't be able to pick you up for school this year. It's not my choice...the tri-mom(my mom) wants to patrol the first few days so yeah. I think I'm semi-satisfied, so I'm fine with having myself. So, don't you worry about a thing. I think I'll be fine focusing on my AWESOME Senior year and all. I'll just hang with the guys and my new found freedom. Once again, I believe isolating myself from people will help. This will help until I'm left completely alone. Some dramatic trauma wouldn't be so bad, it inspires me. Thanks for everything girl!! Love ya:)

Fear Is The Heart Of Love

He. That's the guy I was afraid to trust and didn't know if I even should trust him. He has reached into me and grabbed a big part of me, hopefully he knows how to use it. Death Cab for Cutie spoke to me the other day. They said a nun told them, "Fear is the heart of love" I have no idea what that means. Does it mean that because we fear, we love? Or is it more inclined towards love causes us to fear? I don't understand it very much, but apparently fear and love go hand in hand and I agree completely. We're sometimes afraid to love because we have scars from the times before. Many times we don't even experience it, but we see others dealing with the bad side of love. I hear about girls that get abused by their partners and they just can't leave them. That could be because of fear or love. There's always a connection. Because of everything that can go wrong I stayed on the other side of the glass. Now I'm on the side where everything could go wrong.

He. He spoke to me for a long time and surprisingly it was unbelievably easy to express myself. We've got something going where neither of us is guarded. It seems to be working. We've confessed many things to each other without it being too hard. There's something special about everything we share. I've always kept walls up because of fear. Fear of love, obviously. I no longer have those walls up, yet there's still some fear in the back of my mind. Everything right now is sooooo right, that if something goes wrong I don't know what I'll do. And that's another fear in itself.

He. He's so far away but yet so close. When we talk it's like he's here. Distance isn't such a bad thing because it makes us wanna grow closer. I feel like I've known him forever. We spent a school year together that in my mind was like a few days. I can't remember everything, but I remember the important things. After that year, we never spoke again but he was always on my mind. He said he had to get in touch with me again. It was because of Karma that he learned. Don't we all learn that way? A few hours of talking and it's like everything is perfectly fine. That's something to fear, but I don't because relationships are about taking chances. You may lose it all or win it all, but there's never a guarantee which is what makes it magical.

He. He is the only one that has the power to turn my heart into a puzzle and lose the pieces. That's what I'm afraid of, but these chances I'll take for him...

Unexpected Return :'(

I'm feeling like this little girl here. Running away in the sun, but getting nowhere. She doesn't know where to turn or where to head, because everything looks the same. I'm a feeler and that's not even a word. But what I'm saying is that I feel too much. When I'm not feeling I want to feel. And when I'm feeling I don't want to feel(oooh...that sounded naughty.lol.). I want to run in all directions without obstacles in the way. Like this girl, I want to run in a field, mindlessly. Without worrying who's watching and where I'm going. If I could run away from everything, I'd go there.

I think I know what I'd be running from. I'd be running from him. Him, who is no longer a memory, a song, or an almost fictional character in my mind. I almost started to believe he was fictional, because it was almost like he was gone after a thought. In a not-so-creepy-way, I would look him up on myspace just to know that he was real. It only tortured me more though, and it helped less. I started having a life and he was almost forgotten. But there'd be nights in which he was an important topic to the little people that live in my head. Whenever I heard or hear his name my heart rate speeds up. I start thinking so hard that I feel that others can hear me screaming at myself. He was a gun shooting bullets at me. I was wounded and now that I think about it, I may still be. I've been doing so good lately, I'm afraid that he might take it all away from me again. A few days ago, he sent me a message saying that he was sorry about treating me like crap. What scared me most was that I didn't hesitate to forgive him.

It's almost like if I was in that field, I'd be running towards him not from him. Then as I usually tend to do, I poured out all my feelings in a message. And I might have messed it up like usual. I'm always in a mental mess that I get out of but land in it again. I need to stop being stagnant or looking backwards, I know I need to move forward and I'm trying. It's just hard to do when you're not in an open field, but in a populated environment. All I know is I'm trying but I seem to be partly failing and partly succeeding. I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm heading. I know where I want to be and who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. He's only messing me up even more! I'll make it somehow though...