Dearest Apologies

When I was little, I remember being a complete wild child. Yeah, I remember a lot about when I was five. My mom always reminds me about how she's surprised I turned out to be such a good helpful young lady. I'm not the kind of girl you'll find at highschool parties or spending every weekend out with friends or in some random corner with a guy. What I do realize is that I may not be wild on the outside, but I have the most complex feelings on the inside as wild as a tornado. I usually don't know what I want but complain when I don't get what I think I want. Which eventually turns into something that I shouldn't have wanted from the start...which teaches me a lesson.



I have a weird tendency to convince myself that something is wrong when it may not be. It makes me push away from people, or be pushed away by others, and I'm learning that. I hate having to apologize but I feel like I need to. The crazy thing is that these people may be like, "Why?" but it's the only way I'm gonna feel better.

Thinking Beyond the Surface

Yesterday, I was watching The Tyra Show, and it was about these women that were insecure about themselves and didn't want others to have what they wanted. I looked at these women and thought, "How can anybody be like that?" and I became a judger. I think we're all judgers, the people that watch others fail, or harm themselves and instead of helping we joke about their situations. It doesn't even have to be a serious case, but we look down on these people...everyday people, instead of lending a hand.

On the show, there were two sisters. One of the sister's was fuller than the other. She thought she was fat, just because she had a bigger body than her sister, but she was extremely close to her younger sister; they're practically best friends. The night before they appeared on tv, they went out to a club and the bigger sister helped choose the youinger sisters' clothes. Instead of her being helpful, she mislead the younger sister into wearing a short and tight metallic dress with cutout sides and leggings that made her look like she belonged in a corner at 2am. I thought it was dumb for the younger sister to go through with that even though she didn't even like the outfit. If that was me and someone told me to wear that, I wouldn't have done it, even if it meant disapointing someone else. I asked myself, "Why is it that I'm selfish like that?" and I think it's because I'm still young and I don't feel the need to care about other people needs to be seen by wearing something I would never want to wear. And then I put myself in the older sister's shoes, and I knew that I would've done the same thing if I was in that situation. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.

I keep wondering, "Why is it that we're willing to make other's feel lower to make ourselves feel better?" I've never been the type to put people down for no reason, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened in other forms. We may look at our friend in the dressing room with a cute skirt on and say, "That skirt makes you look like you have something growing out of your butt." But we might make a face or we could do the opposite, which is to encourage your friend to buy it if the skirt actually looks bad. Tyra called these friends the " 'Shave your head, friends' " But there's also the option of telling the truth and choosing a different skirt, if this one looks bad. I believe I'd help my friend choose a different skirt. If you think about it, we have different kinds of friends.

a.)The Besties- Friends that you care about whether you see them all the time, or you don't.
b.)The Frenemies- The ones you mostly dislike, but you seem to be around them anyway.
c.)Everyone-Else- The people you genuinely like, and the people you don't.

It's different with different people. To me, it doesn't matter whether The Besties may be majorly cute, or not. But either way, I don't have the guts to ruin those peoples lives or anybody else's for that matter. I care about them so much, I only want to make them better. The Frenemies are those people that you can't stand, but you have a weak spot for them. Whenever revenge sets opportunity I may or may not take charge, as long as it doesn't harm them. Thank god, I don't have any or many of those. And then there's everyone else...
But you may be one of those lucky people that would be completely clean-hearted! Thank you:D

Here's a pop quiz:

1)You have a Bestie that is on a diet even though she already looks stunning. She has put you in charge of helping to keep her on track. You and her are deciding where to go for dinner. She wants to go to a local vegetarian restaurant, but you want pizza. What do you do?

a.)Tell her how good she's been doing great and convince her to go to the pizza place, even though you both have been having pizza for lunch 3 times a week. One more time won't hurt.

b.)Go to the vegetarian restaurant and you order pizza, just to make her feel bad.

c.)Go to the vegetarian restuarant and back her up completely even though you want pizza.

This is personal, so just ask yourself and let your mind wander. You may be inspired to think beyond the surface.

P.S. I'm only saying what's on my mind, I'm not a jerk!

Why I'm Beautifully Broken...

I have another opened window for Blogthings.com. I love that site, because I'm a believer in most of the quizzes there. Most of the quizzes I've taken result completely true. I'm gonna post my results on here, because I love when Blogs explain about the writer and their life. I hate when Blogs reveal nothing about a person's life. I need to know what they are like, what they like to do, yeah, I'm sort of a stalker in a way:D

1)The Ocean Test
Results: You Are Reflective and Thoughtful
You are most comfortable when you are mixing things up a little bit. You like novelty in small doses.You are drawn to harmony and compassion. You value commonalities over differences.You seek a bit more depth in your life, but you are slowly changing. You don't like to rush anything.You believe that if you look closely enough at people, you can appreciate them more... flaws and all.

What I think: It's all true, but I don't know about the last part. I do value people's flaws, because that's what makes people interesting, but I have more of a tendency to want to fix them, than anything else. It's almost like a constant need! It bothers me.

2)What is Your Childhood Game?
Results: You Are Hopscotch
You are easygoing and carefree. You like to play, but you don't really like to compete.You prefer to cooperate with others. You like to work with people ... not against them!You have a childlike innocence and optimism that is worth holding on to.You find happiness easily. You can get pleasure from the smallest things.

What I think: All of this is true. I actually ask myself, when am I gonna grow up? Well, the work with people is mostly true, sometimes I kinda do the opposite...

3)What Kind of Happy Are You?

Results: You are Peaceful

You are feeling very serene and centered. You're content with your life.You have a clear head and a peaceful spirit. You are relaxed enough to appreciate what you have.You are able to let go of your fears. You are trusting and generous toward others. You live a quiet, mellow life. It may not be dramatic, but it's very fulfilling.

What I Think: It's pretty much true. I don't like drama, and it rarely heads my way.

4)What's Normal About You and What's Not?

Results:You Are Fairly Normal

You scored 65% normal on this quiz.Like most people you are normal in some ways...But you aren't a completely normal person. You're a little weird too!

Why You Are Normal:You prefer your friends to your family.You prefer ruffled potato chips.You think fishnet stockings are trashy.When you're in a car, you prefer to be the driver.You prefer a good meal to a good nap

Why You Aren't Normal:You know a little about many subjects.You would rather be a movie star than an astronaut.You'd rather have cockroaches than rats in your home.You prefer the moon to the sun.You rather screw someone over than be screwed over.

What I think: I don't know what to think.

5)What Herb Are You?

Results:You Are Mint

You are a honest person with a strong personality. Your frank point of view is refreshing.You've been quite lucky in your life, though you have made more of your own luck than you realize.You are engaging and disarming. You definitely have the "gift of gab!" You live an edgy, dynamic life. Sometimes you get a little burned, but you always bounce back.

What I think: I don't know about a strong personality, but it feels like I'm getting there.

Waking Up on the WIERD Side Of The Bed!!!

It is 10:58 am on Monday morning and I would never wake up and go straight to the computer, but seeing as I don't feel like writing and I need to get my feelings out immediately, I got on Blogger.

Every weekday morning I go to work with my mom, especially since she's Preggo and she can't do alot of things. Today, she didn't wake me up, so when I got out of bed, I looked around the house for her and I only found my little brother eating cereal. Worried, I called my mother to see where she was, since the car wasn't in the carport. She answered and said that she was working. That pissed me off!!!!!!!!!! I don't usuallly say that, but it really did. Right now, I'm frustrated! And the only reason she did that is because we had an argument last night, in which I totally freaked! Now that I think about it, I should've listened to my dad, when he told me to have patience with her.

What happened was that I was on the computer and she tells me that she needed to use it. It annoys the crap out of me, when she only needs to use it when I'm on it. So, I told her that and she got rude. I don't handle rude, very well. She started yelling about how I looked like crap and that I could be doing something useful like looking better than I did. We've already established the issues I have that involve self confidence. I was sooo mad, but I didn't want to say anything at all. So my first grade instinct was to throw a newspaper that was beside the computer. Then she asked me to pick it up, so I did [unhappily]. I started yelling about how I hated her attitude and she could atleast try to get better at something. As I got out of the room, I slammed her door shut! And I slammed my door shut! I got in one of those moods that if you don't do something quick, you're gonna do something really bad like...break the window! I listened to my mp3 player full blast and started shouting lyrics. It actually relieved me. It's amazing the things you can do if you let your voice go wild to "Slow Down" by The Academy Is...

Today, I don't know if I should apologize when I wouldn't have acted the way I did, if she hadn't been sooo damn evil! Keep in mind that this is coming from the girl who doesn't flip out easily. Looks like things are changing and I am DEMANDING my respect whether others like it or not. I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but I'm starting to see the Taurus in me.

P.S. It sucks cus my mom has this house today where there's a cute guy there, and I just like talking to him. Maybe God is punishing me, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, LORD!!! I'll just write a song about it. It'll be called Monday Morning or something like that.

Thinking AWAY!

Right now I'm sitting at a Marriott Hotel, waiting for the rain to fall. I'm very tired, annoyed, and am in need of a wishing well. Last night, me, Rachal, and Morgan slept in one bed and we barely got enough sleep, but I didn't care cus we had soooo much fun! We woke up today, and headed for Blue Bayou for the day. We arrived at 9:35 and they opened at 10. It's actually better to get there earlier! I've recently become unafraid of rides at amusement parks so we got on anything that looked squeemish except the Hot Shot, in which somebody died the other day. We had fun, besides the constant heat, and uncomfortable sweating. EEWWWW!!! Especially after seeing all these hot life guards everywhere. I honestly think that to work at Blue Bayou, you have to look good. Oh, and may I say that there is probably a height requirement to work there. That means I sure as hell, wouldn't be able to work there. YES, these things bring out my insecurities! Lets just say that after being there, I feel very unsatisfied. I have some issues, like I said that I'm working on. Self confidence is still one of them. I seem pretty darn confident, but not really if I'm standing next to some 5'7 hottie. Like I said, WORKING ON IT!

This trip is going pretty well, but I'm ready to go home. Where I can sit in my room and lay on my bed, writing lyrics and longing for great things to happen. I also miss my Preggo mother and my unbelievably annoying little brother. I noticed that I am a nice person, that's a good thing...sometimes. I don't like messing with people and if someone say "Rachal" starts arguing with me, I'm the type that will let her stand there and talk while I look away. IT REALLY SUCKS! But I don't have it in me to stand up for myself like that, unless it's somebody I feel hate towards. I am also working on my standing up issues. As I write this, I kinda feel like shedding some tears, because I accept my flaws but I don't wanna believe that I have them. I'm just ready for school to start so I can start practicing the new me. Someone who doesn't let someone treat her like crap, who's the most confident girl in the room, and someone who doesn't have to put others down to feel better about herself. I guess this trip has given me alot to think about, alot to better myself. I just wanna have a good time, but it's hard to when the back of your mind screams, "PERFECTION!"

Well, I've got to go do something useful!
LOVE, PEACE, and JESUS!!!!

Room Reno 411

I've been looking for ways to make my room as cool as me. lol. But I hadn't put those ways into action. I decided that I wanted to paint my room and renovate it almost-completely. I only had a budget of $150, and I really didn't think I could pull it off. And I think I did pretty good, actually. My color inspiration had been some flowered storage boxes that I bought at Ross'.
From the top one, the color that popped out at me was purple so that became my complete design idea! Last night, Rachal came over to help me paint, but little did we know that painting was gonna be one of the last things we were gonna do. In fact, she barely got to paint; well actually when we got tired of that wallpaper we doodled on the wall. We spent like three hours trying to rip wall paper off the wall. We were gonna rip it off the four walls, but that would have taken a lifetime, even with my little brother helping us!

The turn out was unbelievable! I am still amazed as I sit in my room typing this. Paint can do wonders for a room. It can make something look bedazzled. In fact, I'm starting to think paint is my own private bedazzler. I actually managed to do some DIY projects here! The easel that you see at the bottom picture, I painted with acrylic paint before I had even done the room. Then, I went over it with the paint I used for the walls to give it a rugged look to it. Also, there's a little white-slash-purplish table with a mirror and perfume box. I painted that too! It was an oak table and I went over it with spray paint. I had run out of spray paint before I finished the whole table, so I grabbed some of the paint that I use for paintings and I used that over the missing spots. After that, I grabbed some of the paint used in the wall, and just brushed the table lightly with that to give it a subtle purple color. I actually had fun redoing my room!

PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS! MUAH:D

Dreams Are Real...I Think?

This was me a few days before I got a very important call. Me and Rachal got spur of the moment haircuts that same day and it was 100% unplanned. We showed up at the same hair salon at the same time! It was so wierd! I'm like, "Hey, is that my homie getting off that Van?" And she's like, "Hey, homie is that you at 8:15am." Okay, so it didn't happen that way, but it was similar...not really. But the point was the wierdness of showing up at the same place at the same time.

Later that day we went to the mall, so that I could see if I had finally learned self control with money in my pocket and items to buy all around me. I passed...I think? I only bought two pairs of aviators, one for Rachal and one for me. She chose Stuntah Shades! And I chose Classy Shades! Which we are modeling in this wonderful picture. And a pair of flowery flats.

After the mall, we went to my mom's friends house. And I'm pretty sure, Rachal felt very uncomfortable. It's hard being in a room with loud Spanish people and not understanding what they're screaming about or what's so exciting.

After the mall, I was insanely hungry so we decided to go to Chile Verde! One of the awesomest places to eat Mexican Cuisine in Monroe. We met our cute waiter, Mr. Mario Lopez. Alright, I wished it was him, but we got a less cuter guy than him, whose name was Mario. He was so surprised when I burst out speaking to him in Spanish. We started talking about how he's from Puerto Rico and one of his parents is from Honduras. Which is where I'm from! He turned out to do all the talking and flirting with me and then before I left he said, "Eh, Tu amiga esta bien hermosa no? Habla le de mi." What was I supposed to do, that's SOOOO wrong. You don't a)chat up a girl who's enjoying the attention and b)say that you think her friend is beautiful. And this is why, girls are going the other way. lol. Whatever, I love knowing that I'm always gonna be two years ahead of a guy, mentally. It's empowering!!!

Where I was heading with this blog has nothing to do with anything I just wrote. LOL! But I didn't want to do seperate blogs about all this. A few days after that, I was on Facebook, and I ran across an Ad for modeling and acting with the Michael Turney Agency(MTA). I looked them up and wasted no time in sending in my basic info. Ever since I was 12, I've been auditioning in anything that involves acting and modeling. In fact, I think I was scammed once. I never got some pics back from some guy. Let's not talk about that, cus it makes me depressed to think about. I've auditioned for Pro-Scout like 4-5 times, and always failed. I auditioned at John Robert Powers in Birmingham, and I had finally made it, but I had to move away.

Now, I am here again trying for a dream that could or couldn't come true. I drove an hour away to audition for MTA, 2 days ago, and it was pouring down rain. I really didn't care about the rain, in fact it motivated me. I got to the office with my hair half messed up after the rain had it's say. Michael made us walk a T-shaped Runway. I was the first one there so they made me go first. I was a little bit nervous, but since I've done this a million times, even at night with my head on the pillow. I felt good, my head was high up and I strutted down that runway. I must have done well. If I had seen that money sign in Michael's eyes. Then we had to do a cold read for a short commercial. I was definitely confident there too. I even heard some ladies going, "She's really good" And even Michael said, "Very Good!" My mom wasn't too happy until she saw me up there shining like that. In fact, it was the first time that I felt that she was on board of something so important to me, that didn't involve education. Well, that sounds mean, but I mean as in that all her dreams for me are to become a successful doctor and they stop there.

That night during the audition, Michael had told us all that if we didn't get a call back, then we didn't make it. I got a call the next day, I think around 11am. Lisa, an agent, told me that they wanted to make an appointment to see me again. So I made it!!I was running around the house like crazy! My mom wasn't so enthused, but she was pretty glad that I had made it. I learned that whether we sign a contract or not, I can't let people decide things for me. It's all up to me, what I want to do. If people are influencing you at something you don't want to do, why not stand up and say, "Hey, this is me, not you. You worry about you, I worry about me." I can't wait for the appointment!!! I am slowly discovering that I have free will, of course I've got to wait till I'm out of this house to experience my free will, but this feels like a good start. Why not try saying, "Hey, I don't want a Spinach salad mom! I want a lettuce salad!" or "I will not clean my room now! I'll do it when you pull out the threats!" If I did that I would no longer be able to write anymore posts soooo, maybe I shouldn't try that.

Well, Jenessy out! Peace, Love, and JESUS!