A Walk In Dead Noise

I have been reading This I Believe, which is a book that my AP English teacher made us read. I am blown away at the thoughts in that book, that I'm starting to think that I am bound to be an intelligent being at some point in my life. And I think that some point is now. I am tapping into different parts of life that I've never had to think about, needless to say that I'm finally feeling mature.

Today I had a special realization into my own personal lifestyle that I had planned out as my life career. I wanted to be a nurse, because that seems to be the only option. Why is that my only option? Well, I hate school and it only takes four years to become a nurse and the pay is more than decent. I'm not doing it because I'm passionate about it and I'm not even excited about the idea of having to cure people. Excuse me for sounding so careless, but I can't sit there and sew on somebodys toe. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

I came to this realization through experience. Today, my mom didn't feel good. She had chills, body ache, head ache, and the pain was so severe that she couldn't even eat, so I called my dad and he told me to take her to the ER.

I sat down in the waiting room for a nurse to call my moms name. I looked around and I found that for a Sunday, there were a lot of people there. How many things can go wrong on a the day of rest? Everyone was talking joyously as if they weren't sitting in an emergency room. I felt alone as if I was the only one thinking about the people that probably sat in my seat crying because they witnessed a death of some sort. I felt cold and sterile and chained. How could these people be smiling when so many people had died? This room was filled with children fighting, babies crying, and people talking, but my mind was silent. Then they put me and my mom in a hallway. There were patient beds all over the place. People hooked up to machines while they were being carried off into Ambulances. Patients with heavy bags under their wrinkled eyes.

I know for sure that I will never get used to seeing grey haired women with bruises all over the body, a teenager with blood running down her leg, caused by a deep cut on her knee. Maybe I can get used to it, but I don't see why I would like to come to work and find it normal for something to be fatally wrong with every patient. I can't DO THIS for a living. I rather be a struggling actor living under trees in Central Park. And now I am forced back to question, "What must I do to make a living?" Everything I want to do is a bit difficult to achieve. I don't want to hear, "Oh, you really think you can do that? That's a million and one chance." I've got a calling for something way different. I've accepted the fact that I want to fall in LOVE! FALL IN LOVE WITH WHAT I DO! I don't want a desk job that bores me to death and I hate waking up to each morning.

Falling in love is what's going to lead to my happiness, and that has led me to go to college for something that is somewhat pleasant. Because while I'm doing that job, I will be doing what I want to do, which laugh at it or don't but it's modeling and acting and maybe even singing. I want to write stories, lyrics, and poetry. I want to take pictures for a living. Those are the things that I want to do for a living and those are the things that are the least likely. But if I want it, I can make it happen. Nothing is certain, but I know that Nursing is not my desire, my wish, or passion.

It's a New Day...

I am sitting in yearbook class right now. It's 8:21 am and I'm having a good time with my yearbook buds, Brandie, Cassie, Sierra, and Jasmyn. I'm loving this class so much. These girls are awesome!

What isn't awesome is that I am once again on that railroad I said I was off. Last night I talked to Banana--that's the guy that I hung out with last weekend. We have become so insanely intimate, and when I say intimate I don't mean what you're thinking. I mean intiment in the way that he knows my insecurities. He knows my mind too well and it freaks me out. I went crazy on him yesterday after my realization, and it triggered other things inside of me. I have all this excess stuff that I need to get rid of before I can commit to anything. He's the only guy that has ever heard me cry, and the only guy who is there to listen. Not even Roberto knows me that well. How can you become so close to a stranger? I have no idea, but I did it.

This morning I walked into class and Banana was there talking to the other girls. That didn't bother me, because he always has a long line of girls. LOL. We're somewhat alike, because it's the same way for me. I was acting aloof, because of the talk we had last night. He's also the only guy that I argued with over nothing. He sounded mad about me being so undecided. I cried for a long while and he called back. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. He's the only person who's ever held my hand to hold my hand. He's the kind of person that will sit there and fix the problem, but I can't fix the problem when I don't know what the problem is. I'm sorry that he has to deal with all these emotions, but what gets me is that he can handle all that. Why did he have to like me? Why did he have to call me? Why did we become a couple and we're not even dating? If I think about it further I swear it hurts.

Where is my boyfriend through all this? Not here at all. Banana is the only person that can confuse me when I've got it all down. Or atleast I think I've got it all down, but I don't. That's another thing he told me that hit home; he said that whenever I'm not thinking I'm happy. It made so much sense! That day we spent, I didn't think until I thought about something. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. At this point I'm considering becoming a nun. I heard about a monestary in England. I believe I'd like Europe. In fact, I'd love Europe! Maybe holding myself captive from men and all that is the only way I can be happy. The only time I'm completely happy is when I'm reading about other peoples' lives. That's pretty sad!

Anyway, I walked in and he didn't say anything to me. It could be because I was avoiding looking in his direction. After this class I have to pass him in the hallway:'( I don't know if I can handle two more classes, but I'm going to have to. Ahh...I'm getting goosebumps. I'm still keeping positive that God is above me and no matter what happens it's all for the best.

Peace, Love, and Jesus<3

From the Hilltops...

It has finally hit me! Hit me like a subway train going past the tunnel on 145th st. OH YAH! It has hit me soooo hard. What has hit me?

I am FREE! Free as in I am no longer bound by chains against a never ending train rail that runs through my mind. Remember my confusion days? No more of those! I've got the answers to the Universe. Maybe not quite all the answers, but the answers of me. The best part of this is that God has set me free! At church yesterday we talked about a guy who's last name is Giglio. I urge you to look him up! Why do we fear?? My goodness I am just not even on that anymore! I am a precious creature just like everybody else on this Earth! Did you know that you are amazing and precious? Now you know! I promise you are!!

Today, I had decided that I was going to give in to something that seemed good enough. But usually things are too good to be true. I had stumbled for a minute, but after that I found myself here. Right HERE! Writing to you! I am too good to lose my value for someone who's not worth it. I can't believe I didn't see that before! It's part of that process that has alot to do with self esteem. I can proudly say that I am on that ladder to high self esteem and I can almost swear that nobody can stop me. I am WHO I am, no doubt about it. I can change for better but I'm not about to get worse to satisfy people. The Piranhas can try to get me down, but I trust in one person to keep me safe! And his name starts with a G...God! I feel like I'm preaching which is not my style but he loves that. lol. I am not just adornment. I am not a standby. I am who I am, and if you can't handle me(lol) then just walk away. I don't need negativity with all this positiveness! I'm ready to shine!

Love, Peace, and Jesus<3

My Time Now!

Today I had one of those hormonal days where you're either yelling and snapping at everyone or smiling and laughing at nothing at all. I had no idea why I was like that. When I was cleaning the bathroom I nearly broke into tears over something.

I know what that something was but I'm not gonna tell you. MUAHAHAHA!

I knew that the only way to cure my unhappiness was to go out and clear my head, so I went out with someone. Me and that someone have been talking alot lately and it's always about feelings which drives me hella crazy but atleast it feels to better to say things out loud even though he's always confused by me. He says that he doesn't mind my confusion, and that's pretty funny. I have to live with my confusion every single day of my life. lol.

Anyways! Me and that someone decided to go to an art museum today! We spent almost 20 minutes downtown looking for this art museum and we never found it. We went from road to road, street to street and found nothing at all. Supposedly, this museum closed at 5pm and by the time it was almost 5pm we still had found nothing so we decided to go somewhere else.

We voted to go to the movie theater located in the mall. When we got there we wanted to see Vampires Suck but it was sold out. We were willing to go to any movie for the closest times and the only movie available was Despicable Me, and I hate cartoon movies.

We were stuck doing nothing so we just roamed around in the mall for like two hours. It kind of scares me how compatible him and I seem. Too frikkin COMPATIBLE! And must I repeat myself again, "I have a boyfriend and I don't want to mess it up"

I'm afraid that I might have already messed up though. It's easy to think that things are easy to do! But they're not always easy!!

What is always great is to have a guide to help with your life. I've got God, who's helped me with so much lately and Roberto who's been listening to my issues since ever. Today, after my supposed mistake he was there to give me words to clear my mind. He's truthful and helpful at all times. I couldn't deal without ROB!! It's a little scary that when me and him talk, I've got the plan ready, but as soon as his voice isn't there I'm confused again. It's like when you're in math class and the teacher explains everything correctly and you understand, but as soon as you get home and work on that problem you're stuck. But lately me and him are more connected! We've talked every single day more than once for the past two weeks. IT'S WIERD!! I guess problems get people together. lol.

Going out today helped and didn't help! WOAH! My brother just brought me my cell and I've got two missed calls. One is obviously Roberto and the other...

Goodnight Blogger!
PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS!

I'm not whatsoever affiliated with the picture above of monroe, Louisiana. IP address:http://pics4.city-data.com/cpicc/cfiles9071.jpg

One Problem Is THE Problem!

When I think of myself, I think relaxed but lately I keep thinking DRAMATIC!!

I keep making things slightly bigger than they should be and my excuse is, "I'm a frikkin teenager, let me cry!" My latest problem is that I have no idea how my boyfriend is doing. I've gained some boldness since I've talked to him. I am bold enough to tell him how I feel and what I think. I gave him crap the other day and he gave me a bag filled with CRAP! Not literally, I don't think I would accept that as a gift. I like roses...roses that don't smell like boo boo boo.

I understand he's crabby sometimes, in fact it's kind of sexy. I bet that would be to my advantage if we were alone. I should stop talking about that, lol.

We haven't talked for the past two or three days and we've been going out for about a week and two days. My usual response to this would be to break up with him, but I am trying for this to work. When we don't speak, I just want this to be over when I've got other guys that need my attention. But when we're speaking everything is perfect. In fact, I told Roberto about this the other day and he said, "Why make a guy unhappy when you can make more guys happy?" That cracked me up, because it made alot of sense to me but I wouldn't admit it to Rob, of course because he thinks he's always right.

Is it sad to think that I want him to break up with me if he doesn't think this is working? A guy has never broken up with me, EVER! Why can't he just break up with me, atleast I'll know it didn't work out, but I don't know if this is working out or not. I really like him, but if he doesn't want this then why keep going? I wish I could see him all the time...well, that would probably be a problem because I can't control myself. TMI! If he doesn't call today, what am I supposed to do? Why stay with someone you can't see?

AAHHHH!!
Love, Jenessy

Senior Year, No More TEARS!

DUDE! I can't believe how fast life is moving, and I can't believe the people it's moving with. Do you get me? It's like things are changing and moving, but there's these new people around you. Once again, it's unforseen. A new year, my senior year. WOW!! I don't know whether to scream, cry, or laugh that I made it this far! In a few years I see myself having my own place to call home. No more mommy and daddy to tell me what I can or can't do. A year from now, I'll be walking around with an awesome crystal nose stud and a tattoo on my foot. Weird? Not for me anyways.

Wednesday is the half day. I'll be seeing the people that I missed this summer. Haircuts, different hair colors, and maybe even different attitudes. People can grow and reflect in just a few months. All I can say is WOWZA!! I know I've changed, I just can't wait to demonstrate. It's almost like if you put your mind to it, you can do it!! I didn't see myself come this far when I was thinking of my new year resolutions or even after that. I JUST AM!! This summer I expected so much, but you can't plan what you want to happen. You can actually plan it, but it doesn't always come your way. I started off this summer with an awesome friend that I could count on being there to my avail, but it didn't end that way. THINGS FRIKKIN CHANGE!! AHHH! :D I also started out feeling so small and naive, but now I can feel the world in my hands! It still may be my subtle naiveness, but I don't think that will ever go away. I have a change of heart as funny as it sounds.

Today at church we were talking about how you need to have a dedicated heart. That means what it sounds like it means. A dedicated heart is a dedicated heart. It's being able to push forward for something as far as it takes. I'm not like that when it's about Christianity. I'm a lazy Christian, I'll admit it any day. But I'm on my way to trying. I really want to try. Many people think that Christians can't stumble but we're just people with views and still people. I may not act like one alot of the time, but I'm going to start striving. I'm still a little bit stubborn and I don't feel like changing that so I'll let it be. There's things I know I should change, but at the same time I don't want to change. I can't do it all by myself, obviously. I'll let God help though I know that I've got serious issues. I'm still not willing to talk to some people. lol.

It still keeps hitting me...MY SENIOR YEAR!! WOW! It shouldn't begin with me avoiding some people, but that's not something I'm willing to change. DANG! I'm such a people hater!! We also learned today that you should love everyone. HOW TO DO THAT? I've got no idear! Hey, I'm used to making new friends I can do it again. It may not be people I've known for my whole life, like these little town people that know eachother will, but there's a risk and chance in everything. So why not try? I don't see why not. This will be Hella interesting :O

Peace, Love, and Jesus! MUAH:D

P.S. Idk y, but I feel poisonous lately. It's creeping me out, I have way to much power!

The SHIYATAY! No, That's not a Karate move...

It is 7:33 on a Friday night on this side of the U.S. How do I know that? Because I'm typing when I could be doing something exciting. I know what I want to write about but I don't want to sound like a baby. But I'm willing to sound like a baby, so I don't care.

A few days ago something unforseen happened...I got a bf!! UnFrankenBelievable. That was definitely unforseen. I obviously did two blogs about that so I'll give it a rest with my deep thoughts. Now, the somewhat unforseen has happened. My friend has friends. lol. Not that she didn't, but she's got another best friend. I knew that, I just thought there was nothing to worry about since I thought she knew how to balance things, but it doesn't seem that way. Which is why I'm alone at currently 7:44. I sound like I have no other friends, but I do it's just that everyone has their close friends and I used to have close friends until they lost their appeal one by one. Oops, that sounded mean(not naughty), but I don't care cus I'm not hiding anything.

Ray is probably chilling with KKK, my nickname for the other one and her boyfriend, who it's fine with me he's cool. I would be chilling my bf, if he was here but he's not. I'm currently standing up because my pregnant mother took the computer chair and she doesn't mind watching me type standing up with a limp leg. That baby bump is too much weight to sit on the bed, apparently. I'm feeling like I wanna go outside and chill for a while. Maybe I'll talk to Roberto, who ditches me all the time but it's okay because he's Roberto. Yeah, Ray has no excuses cus I've obviously made like two appointments to hang with my homie, but homie doesn't care. Those two times have been spent with said, KKK. We've got lots to talk about: Me and my newfound glory, her and her life, lol. GOD, I'm a bore, maybe that's why she's gone.

I don't even want to talk to her about anything anymore. This could be something fixable once again, but I don't want fixable, I want instant. It may just be a bad case of the green-eyed monster, but that monster has consumed me to the core. I'm not afraid to take a stand...Like Eminem says. I notice that friendship only lasts so long until it all falls apart. Same as relationships, well that's in my opinion. And don't get me wrong, some friendships are amazing. Hey, I'm still friends with Roberto, Jessica, and Leah! That must mean something, right? I might go hang with Jimmy for a little while and then sit in the backyard, watching how many mosquito bites it takes till I come back inside. Then, I'll watch Jersey Girl for the millionth time. WOW, BIG PLANS BETTER GET TO THEM!!

Goodnight Blogger:)

NOTE TO RAY:

Since we don't talk much these days I want you to know that I won't be able to pick you up for school this year. It's not my choice...the tri-mom(my mom) wants to patrol the first few days so yeah. I think I'm semi-satisfied, so I'm fine with having myself. So, don't you worry about a thing. I think I'll be fine focusing on my AWESOME Senior year and all. I'll just hang with the guys and my new found freedom. Once again, I believe isolating myself from people will help. This will help until I'm left completely alone. Some dramatic trauma wouldn't be so bad, it inspires me. Thanks for everything girl!! Love ya:)

Fear Is The Heart Of Love

He. That's the guy I was afraid to trust and didn't know if I even should trust him. He has reached into me and grabbed a big part of me, hopefully he knows how to use it. Death Cab for Cutie spoke to me the other day. They said a nun told them, "Fear is the heart of love" I have no idea what that means. Does it mean that because we fear, we love? Or is it more inclined towards love causes us to fear? I don't understand it very much, but apparently fear and love go hand in hand and I agree completely. We're sometimes afraid to love because we have scars from the times before. Many times we don't even experience it, but we see others dealing with the bad side of love. I hear about girls that get abused by their partners and they just can't leave them. That could be because of fear or love. There's always a connection. Because of everything that can go wrong I stayed on the other side of the glass. Now I'm on the side where everything could go wrong.

He. He spoke to me for a long time and surprisingly it was unbelievably easy to express myself. We've got something going where neither of us is guarded. It seems to be working. We've confessed many things to each other without it being too hard. There's something special about everything we share. I've always kept walls up because of fear. Fear of love, obviously. I no longer have those walls up, yet there's still some fear in the back of my mind. Everything right now is sooooo right, that if something goes wrong I don't know what I'll do. And that's another fear in itself.

He. He's so far away but yet so close. When we talk it's like he's here. Distance isn't such a bad thing because it makes us wanna grow closer. I feel like I've known him forever. We spent a school year together that in my mind was like a few days. I can't remember everything, but I remember the important things. After that year, we never spoke again but he was always on my mind. He said he had to get in touch with me again. It was because of Karma that he learned. Don't we all learn that way? A few hours of talking and it's like everything is perfectly fine. That's something to fear, but I don't because relationships are about taking chances. You may lose it all or win it all, but there's never a guarantee which is what makes it magical.

He. He is the only one that has the power to turn my heart into a puzzle and lose the pieces. That's what I'm afraid of, but these chances I'll take for him...

Unexpected Return :'(

I'm feeling like this little girl here. Running away in the sun, but getting nowhere. She doesn't know where to turn or where to head, because everything looks the same. I'm a feeler and that's not even a word. But what I'm saying is that I feel too much. When I'm not feeling I want to feel. And when I'm feeling I don't want to feel(oooh...that sounded naughty.lol.). I want to run in all directions without obstacles in the way. Like this girl, I want to run in a field, mindlessly. Without worrying who's watching and where I'm going. If I could run away from everything, I'd go there.

I think I know what I'd be running from. I'd be running from him. Him, who is no longer a memory, a song, or an almost fictional character in my mind. I almost started to believe he was fictional, because it was almost like he was gone after a thought. In a not-so-creepy-way, I would look him up on myspace just to know that he was real. It only tortured me more though, and it helped less. I started having a life and he was almost forgotten. But there'd be nights in which he was an important topic to the little people that live in my head. Whenever I heard or hear his name my heart rate speeds up. I start thinking so hard that I feel that others can hear me screaming at myself. He was a gun shooting bullets at me. I was wounded and now that I think about it, I may still be. I've been doing so good lately, I'm afraid that he might take it all away from me again. A few days ago, he sent me a message saying that he was sorry about treating me like crap. What scared me most was that I didn't hesitate to forgive him.

It's almost like if I was in that field, I'd be running towards him not from him. Then as I usually tend to do, I poured out all my feelings in a message. And I might have messed it up like usual. I'm always in a mental mess that I get out of but land in it again. I need to stop being stagnant or looking backwards, I know I need to move forward and I'm trying. It's just hard to do when you're not in an open field, but in a populated environment. All I know is I'm trying but I seem to be partly failing and partly succeeding. I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm heading. I know where I want to be and who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. He's only messing me up even more! I'll make it somehow though...