Independence In July

Things have been going interestingly lately. Hmmm...where to start? I kinda lost my job or I guess I've been laid off, I can't really tell because there are blurred lines everywhere. I want my job back but at the same time I don't because to be honest I'm not sure if I was satisfied with it in the first place. If there was an easier way...without complications I'd do it.

I recently took a roadtrip with my friends to New Orleans and things took a turn for the bad so that obviously didn't go well. lol. I can't even talk about it!!!

I'm starting to feel like things are turning topsy turvy. Great things are happening but bad things are happening too and I can't help but have the suspicious feeling that I'm gonna get screwed over by someone or something.

For example: I started talking to this guy and his anonymous name will be Jake. So this Jake guy is almost too good to be true and he says the same about me. This feels concieted and awkward to say but when a guy is into me, he is really REALLY into me. Into me so much that I have to ask for space and this guy is actually into me but he's also giving me space which is awkward for me because I've never really had that and it's bugging me that he's not falling out to be with me. He's so sweet and the things he's interested in blows me away. I really like him but I don't wanna be the kind of girl who is suffocating. I know it's stupid but the way that he's not suffocating me feels like I may just screw this one up already. I'll try to be optimistic but it can be pretty difficult with this one.

Hopefully I'll stop being so complex minded and everything will be fine:) I just always hate wanting something so bad it feels like it's going to just blow away in the wind if I don't catch it soon enough. And this is why I'm better at being single than anything else in the world...

My Life Recently

I haven't written for a while because I've been so busy but guess what? I'm at work, It's 5:40 and I have nothing to do. Just twenty more minutes till I'm out of here. What has happened in my life? Too much!! LOL! So I'll try to catch you up even though I may not recall everything. So yesterday I got a belly button ring and I'm soooo uber excited, I keep touching it. I just won't stop! It was unexpected yesterday:) I've been wanting something since I've recently turned 18 on May the 20th. I want a feather tattoo but it costs more money and the pain is more than the 10 seconds of hell that I suffered last night. Hmmm...What's next? Oh yes! Next Friday I will be going to New Orleans to let my freak flag fly! lol, I love saying that. Just to let loose with some friends. I've realized that these are the people that I don't have drama with. It's gonna be the best! I love them:) I've been making a lot of money lately since I started working full time and I need to control my spending but I barely can. Two days ago I splurged on a new car stereo with my own money and today my BFF Billy went and got it installed for me! YAY! Now I just can't wait to go home!!

Things are going well besides the small things that are disruptions. Like I broke up with my boyfriend because he's wayyyyyyyy too laid back for me. I'm so up and going and he's so blah. I liked him alot but our differences made our relationship kind of annoying. Am I ever gonna be able to get married!? I'm so not one to settle!

Another thing that has happened is that an ex best friend is annoying as hell! All I have to say is that if you don't like me, don't talk to me and pretend to be civil, when you're not in the right mind. Just like I have to say, I'm not gonna talk to you like it's all good when I don't like you. Liars these days...but it's all good! I'm soooo excited!

This summer has been great so far! I'm working on not letting things and other people get me down and it's working, because I have the mind set that problems will be problems and there will ALWAYS be problems but if you don't know how to handle them and push them aside then you're not going to be happy and that is my buddhist/christian point of view! So now it's 5:54 and I have a few more minutes till I'm out of here! I just wanna go now. I can say that all I'm gonna do today is sit in front of the tv with a bowl of Blue Bell Ice Cream, and that is how I must live this awesome day!Feels amazing:)

OH AND BTW! HELL YEAH, I'M EIGHTEEN AND LEGAL!

Huh? Say what now!?

Here's a question: What does a mother say the first time that her daughter comes home and says, "Mom, I've met a guy." If it was me, I'd love my mom to be supportive and want the details like a best friend would, but as many guys that I have met I don't know how to go straight to my mom and actually say those words, "Mom, I've met a guy." I was just thinking about this last night and how I am seventeen and because I'm not allowed to date my parents have missed out on hearing about a big part of my life. A love life, because they don't know that such life exists with their daughter. I would love to talk to them about it but for this I can only talk to my friends and certain family members about it. I was just having a thought about how stressful it may be when I go to my parents when I meet a great guy. The parents and I have an open relationship but it doesn't include the casual guys in my life.

Right and True

I've got a serious question! What is right? What is true? I have no idea what the answer to that is. I notice that I usually get on here when I'm either on a lively high or feeling low and I apologize for the range of emotions that I provide for the blogger world. I'm not exactly sure where to start because my life is like a full on rollercoaster that just never stops it's one thing one moment and another thing the next. I'm at work right now and a patient that just left almost made me cry. How did he do that? Well he started of with slight teasing about how I should know what I'm doing by now. I work at a Chiropractic Clinic by the way and if you know how the lingo goes then here is what happened:

He was sitting in a chair ready to be hooked up for stim so I already had the leeds ready to be used. I went into the hydroculator to get two heat packs. One for the cervical area and one for the lumbar. I grabbed two towels to put them under the heat packs so that he wouldn't burn to death[which right now I wouldn't mind] because I care for people. When I was about to put the towel on him, Dr.T corrected me about how I should put the towel on him. So I fixed it and the dumbass decides to say, "You've been working here for months now, right? You should know what you're doing by now." And I for one am one hell of an understanding person but I don't tolerate rude people so it took all that was in me to not say anything at all. After that the stim machine beeped so I had to go get it and I started with the one on the opposite side but it was the wrong side. ooopsss! He laughed out loud about where my mind is and I wish I could've told him, "It's soooo far away because I'm imaging ways that I could torture you right now you idiotic ignorant bastard." But he's a patient so I couldn't exactly say that.

And that's how I'm doing today. UGHHH!!! Almost cried and almost killed. I like the second better:/ I ask what is right, because it's not right to just criticize people you don't know so it sucks for him that whenever he comes in I'm gonna have it in for him. Sweet Revenge:) I know we have to turn the other cheek, blah, blah, blah but yeah I'm gonna be devilish for a bit and enjoy the torture that I can bring. And that isn't right, but hey shit happens, right? RIGHT!

PEACE OUT
JMe

Wiled-up Wednesday!

OH:( Today isn't like the other day in which I posted that last blog entry. My throat feels like it has a giant fat cat stuck inside of it and I keep trying to push it down but it won't stop coming back up. It feels like this is going to be the suckiest day ever! Where is that enthusiasm I had the other day? Down someone elses toilet maybe.

I'm stuck in yearbook class and I'm non-responsive to everyone, even Cassie who's been getting on my nerves lately. I thought the girl was cool until her sense of humor went from reasonable and normal to jerky and I-wanna-punch-you-in-the-face-everytime-you-say-something. Yep:/ This is the life right here!

It's 8:36 am and I leave at 10:45am. I can't wait. I'm in need of food! Then I have to go to work at two and something tells me that I'm gonna get into trouble at some point today. If you would like to know what the hell else is wrong with me, I will tell you. I am just a PMS-ing mess right now! I think I need to chill out but I'm chill enough in this 40 degree weather. I live in flipping LOUISIANA, for goodness sake! Wasn't it promised or incenuated that it remained a good temperature all year? Nope, I wasn't. You know why? Because nothing is a frikkin guarantee! Whoop-dee-doo! I will talk to y'all later and hopefully my state of misery will be gone. I need some of my sunshine back!

Restlessly Angry,
xoxoxo Jenessy

Energizer Bunny of a Mind:)

Ahhh:) Oh sweet, sweet life of me! I don't want to continue talking about myself, but I'm gonna have to because this is a blog about me. I am sooooooooooo proud of everything I've accomplished in the past year. I have thought up my own ideas and I've finally become the person that I wanted to be. ME! I'm the kind of person that always finds room for change, because without change life is boring! My perspective on things have improved thanks to a little hobby that I acquired on Saturday.


On Saturday Rachal and I ran/walked a 5K for charity and I even bought an outfit simply to look like I knew what I was doing. In a way it was to look intimidating but once I started running it was like a mouse trying to be intimidating against a bunch of lions. Rachal and I finished in-don't laugh-50 minutes, but I felt a tremendous amount of energy that couldn't have been put to rest or so I thought until we both went home and I fell asleep on her! Either way, I was filled with so much confidence because I had ran three miles in almost thirty degree weather. Thanks to that, there's a cloud of hope above me saying that I can do anything and everything that I want to do! I even ran Sunday on my own and I didn't want to stop, I think I'm on a roll and I love it!


After those three miles there is inspiration flowing through me and I guess this is where I'm starting to show off my newfound inspiration. I had no idea where to start with all of this excitement. I want to keep creating music and poetry but I'm sooooooo unbelievably stagnant with a load of ideas!! I feel like I'm being very vague and not explaining everything but this is not getting any better. I go from thought to thought and I'm sorry but my mind is an evercharged energizer bunny, always running from idea to idea. I guess this is why my blog is called beautifully broken! Everything said is broken into thoughts that aren't all explained. HAHA! Well, in conclusion to this post...I am very happy and satisfied with how things are going. I'm inspired to live and continue living! For the first time in my life, I have ditched the guys and it's just me and my friends. I didn't know I could live without having a guy in mind! For this I deserve a cookie! I will definitely go get one after work! Ooops. I revealed my location. I guess it's wrong to do other unjobly things like blog during work, so shhh...Don't tell my boss. I'm trusting you keep my dirty little secret;)


C'est la vie, c'est ma vi!
xoxo Jenessy:)

Decade of Mourning

Shadows have fallen with one simple trace
They have told me to keep in place
I can't forget of that time when the face of an angel
Beheld all the rest

Its plots of disfortune that lead to that grave
And tears of the molders that paved the way for
The small minds with loud cries that attempted to shed death to the foreigners that didn't hold out their hands

So the sharp pangs of guilt that kept us up at night
Were mistaken for knives caught on our backs
And this is the last time sorry is in my mind
I'll accept the differences and zip these lips with shame

Searching through search

I don't want to be melodramatic again about this other guy. We have established my facination with the male species so I should not be judged twice but rather once, since we already know what I am...boy crazy! While I have a constant need to dig through every guy I like or am fascinated by, I've learned that I learn from these guys.
I promise there is a lesson learned from the dousche bags to the sweet hearts. Case 1: Adam(The ex)-In that case I was a jerk for cheating on him in the name of revenge because he neglected me the first time that we went out. I learned that karma will one day bite you in the narts! Case 2: Jacob(The ex-ex)-Don't ever date someone because you think that you will learn to like that person as much as they like you. The fact that they like you so much might mean that they have ingrown stalker tendencies and no one needs to be in a relationship in which the other is calling every two minutes. It will shortly turn from flattery to obsession and no one wants that, now do they. See. I learned something better.
The last important case in which I've learned something is Case 3:Unmentionable(The-not-boyfriend-but-somewhat-feels-like-it-but-its-just-complicated)-I have learned tons of great things from him. Its because of him that I'm starting to have a view and opinion on many things like religion. Its also because of him that I'm learning how to train myself to not go insane when a guy doesn't want what you want. How did I learn this? He drives me insane so I've taught myself how to refrain from having anxiety attacks. Just take a breather and worry less because in most cases guys Don't care as much as girls do. In order to have piece of mind I have to impersonate a guy...and it works for me.
These are a few of the things that I've learned by being a male obsessed obsessee. It doesn't stop here because the world is my oyster and this oyster has many pearls and some are shiny. And the shiny ones grab my attention!

ICU

For my mom, it's called ICU. I love her sooo much. She's made it through sooo much and I know she'll make it through this.


I’m staring at this preciousness you gave
I can’t help but think one day this could be permanent
And I don’t ever wish to feel this way
You’re not here, but you will be okay

I was driving these streets with tears in my eyes
And the drivers passing by only saw me cry
They couldn’t tell what was sitting inside me
It was all the things I hope for you and me

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words not staying in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Everyone keeps saying that I’m so strong
But when no one’s here it feels all wrong
And the hurt inside my throat
Is now something normal
And I’ll hide behind these claims
So no one sees me that way
But I’m the first to break down
When no one is around

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words and I kept in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

In the darkness I called out
I called out your name
Hoping you could hear me
And maybe you would do the same

Sailing Blue Boat

We are at a rail
And I can't stop it
I was holding back this trail
But I can't help but want it
I wish I could land on solid ground
Instead of this shaky ocean

CHORUS
I'm a sailing blue boat
Stuck in a storm
Don't know which way to go
I'm a sailing blue boat
Out in the middle of nowhere
And there's an island near
But I can't reach it

You are like quicksand
I keep falling through you
I hold my head up high
Trying to make it past you
You leave me hanging
But you're still there
You said you'd love me if you could
But you can't, I don't get it

Chorus 1x

You are my steering wheel
My hands are shaking
You are my one shot deal
Don't want to mess with it
I've never been so confused
My hands are shaking

Chorus 1x

I'm a sailing blue boat
Out and about somewhere
You're the storm ahead
I'm a sailing blue boat
And I can't be saved
I am my own wreck