Decade of Mourning

Shadows have fallen with one simple trace
They have told me to keep in place
I can't forget of that time when the face of an angel
Beheld all the rest

Its plots of disfortune that lead to that grave
And tears of the molders that paved the way for
The small minds with loud cries that attempted to shed death to the foreigners that didn't hold out their hands

So the sharp pangs of guilt that kept us up at night
Were mistaken for knives caught on our backs
And this is the last time sorry is in my mind
I'll accept the differences and zip these lips with shame

Searching through search

I don't want to be melodramatic again about this other guy. We have established my facination with the male species so I should not be judged twice but rather once, since we already know what I am...boy crazy! While I have a constant need to dig through every guy I like or am fascinated by, I've learned that I learn from these guys.
I promise there is a lesson learned from the dousche bags to the sweet hearts. Case 1: Adam(The ex)-In that case I was a jerk for cheating on him in the name of revenge because he neglected me the first time that we went out. I learned that karma will one day bite you in the narts! Case 2: Jacob(The ex-ex)-Don't ever date someone because you think that you will learn to like that person as much as they like you. The fact that they like you so much might mean that they have ingrown stalker tendencies and no one needs to be in a relationship in which the other is calling every two minutes. It will shortly turn from flattery to obsession and no one wants that, now do they. See. I learned something better.
The last important case in which I've learned something is Case 3:Unmentionable(The-not-boyfriend-but-somewhat-feels-like-it-but-its-just-complicated)-I have learned tons of great things from him. Its because of him that I'm starting to have a view and opinion on many things like religion. Its also because of him that I'm learning how to train myself to not go insane when a guy doesn't want what you want. How did I learn this? He drives me insane so I've taught myself how to refrain from having anxiety attacks. Just take a breather and worry less because in most cases guys Don't care as much as girls do. In order to have piece of mind I have to impersonate a guy...and it works for me.
These are a few of the things that I've learned by being a male obsessed obsessee. It doesn't stop here because the world is my oyster and this oyster has many pearls and some are shiny. And the shiny ones grab my attention!

ICU

For my mom, it's called ICU. I love her sooo much. She's made it through sooo much and I know she'll make it through this.


I’m staring at this preciousness you gave
I can’t help but think one day this could be permanent
And I don’t ever wish to feel this way
You’re not here, but you will be okay

I was driving these streets with tears in my eyes
And the drivers passing by only saw me cry
They couldn’t tell what was sitting inside me
It was all the things I hope for you and me

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words not staying in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Everyone keeps saying that I’m so strong
But when no one’s here it feels all wrong
And the hurt inside my throat
Is now something normal
And I’ll hide behind these claims
So no one sees me that way
But I’m the first to break down
When no one is around

In the ICU, I saw you with tear stains on your face
Struggling to say a few words and I kept in place
You wrote out how you felt
And asked questions I didn’t know the answers to
If you were to ask again
Every answer is I love you

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

Every answer is I love you
You are my only way
I will never leave you
If you want me to stay

In the darkness I called out
I called out your name
Hoping you could hear me
And maybe you would do the same

Sailing Blue Boat

We are at a rail
And I can't stop it
I was holding back this trail
But I can't help but want it
I wish I could land on solid ground
Instead of this shaky ocean

CHORUS
I'm a sailing blue boat
Stuck in a storm
Don't know which way to go
I'm a sailing blue boat
Out in the middle of nowhere
And there's an island near
But I can't reach it

You are like quicksand
I keep falling through you
I hold my head up high
Trying to make it past you
You leave me hanging
But you're still there
You said you'd love me if you could
But you can't, I don't get it

Chorus 1x

You are my steering wheel
My hands are shaking
You are my one shot deal
Don't want to mess with it
I've never been so confused
My hands are shaking

Chorus 1x

I'm a sailing blue boat
Out and about somewhere
You're the storm ahead
I'm a sailing blue boat
And I can't be saved
I am my own wreck

Rebellion Ends In Ice Cream!!

If last night was Friday, what does that make today???

SATURDAY!!

Great answer...it's the only answer. I wish I could go back to Friday and relive Friday until next Friday. Right now I feel annoyed because my mom won't go to another room as I try to create awesome music. I can't produce music while she's in here asking me what she should wear to church tomorrow. The thought is kinda funny, picture this:

Me sitting on the computer chair typing lyrics, and her pulling out clothes from her closet while I'm deep in thought. Me with the computer mic. and her asking me, "How can people live underground? My goodness!" Of course in Spanish. I feel like snapping a pencil in half. I'm a mad man typer with the ear microphone stuck on my ear and she doesn't get that I'm busy trying to make magic happen!!

It's not funny, actually. I just keep thinking that if I had my own place. I could make awesome music!! If I had my own place, I wouldn't be home as much, I'd still visit my parents alot, but sometimes there are things that must be done-like make music-without them there. I NEED my own apartment. I'm gonna make that the next goal!

ANYWAYS!! Friday! What I was saying about Friday was that it was pretty cool, and it's how this blog entry got it's name. I went to school. Got out early like usual. Went to work. After work I had a football game to attend and take pictures bc I'm in Yearbook. Me and Billy of course planned it so we could both go to the game. After being out on the field and dodging the football players we built up an appetite, so we left earlier. We wanted to hang out, but we wanted to be rebellious. Our plan was to get kicked out of Wal-Mart, so we were headed to walmart. We passed ULM and we wanted to see what it was like to be college students so we parked and were about to walk the campus, but decided not to. We still had in mind that we were gonna go and try to get kicked out of Wal-Mart. Somehow the plan changed and we wanted ice cream so we went to Eskimos. Since Eskimos was close to the park, we headed to the park. At the park we did our Jersey Shore Inspired Fist Pumps, while she blasted, "Like a G6, like a like a G6..." It was a pretty cool night. After that, I had to go home so I went home and remembered that we had forgotten to go to wal-mart and get kicked out. LOL! Our quest to rebel, ended in a fist pumping, ice cream eating, good time at the park. Yeah, I'm that kind of rebellious teenager...

A Walk In Dead Noise

I have been reading This I Believe, which is a book that my AP English teacher made us read. I am blown away at the thoughts in that book, that I'm starting to think that I am bound to be an intelligent being at some point in my life. And I think that some point is now. I am tapping into different parts of life that I've never had to think about, needless to say that I'm finally feeling mature.

Today I had a special realization into my own personal lifestyle that I had planned out as my life career. I wanted to be a nurse, because that seems to be the only option. Why is that my only option? Well, I hate school and it only takes four years to become a nurse and the pay is more than decent. I'm not doing it because I'm passionate about it and I'm not even excited about the idea of having to cure people. Excuse me for sounding so careless, but I can't sit there and sew on somebodys toe. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

I came to this realization through experience. Today, my mom didn't feel good. She had chills, body ache, head ache, and the pain was so severe that she couldn't even eat, so I called my dad and he told me to take her to the ER.

I sat down in the waiting room for a nurse to call my moms name. I looked around and I found that for a Sunday, there were a lot of people there. How many things can go wrong on a the day of rest? Everyone was talking joyously as if they weren't sitting in an emergency room. I felt alone as if I was the only one thinking about the people that probably sat in my seat crying because they witnessed a death of some sort. I felt cold and sterile and chained. How could these people be smiling when so many people had died? This room was filled with children fighting, babies crying, and people talking, but my mind was silent. Then they put me and my mom in a hallway. There were patient beds all over the place. People hooked up to machines while they were being carried off into Ambulances. Patients with heavy bags under their wrinkled eyes.

I know for sure that I will never get used to seeing grey haired women with bruises all over the body, a teenager with blood running down her leg, caused by a deep cut on her knee. Maybe I can get used to it, but I don't see why I would like to come to work and find it normal for something to be fatally wrong with every patient. I can't DO THIS for a living. I rather be a struggling actor living under trees in Central Park. And now I am forced back to question, "What must I do to make a living?" Everything I want to do is a bit difficult to achieve. I don't want to hear, "Oh, you really think you can do that? That's a million and one chance." I've got a calling for something way different. I've accepted the fact that I want to fall in LOVE! FALL IN LOVE WITH WHAT I DO! I don't want a desk job that bores me to death and I hate waking up to each morning.

Falling in love is what's going to lead to my happiness, and that has led me to go to college for something that is somewhat pleasant. Because while I'm doing that job, I will be doing what I want to do, which laugh at it or don't but it's modeling and acting and maybe even singing. I want to write stories, lyrics, and poetry. I want to take pictures for a living. Those are the things that I want to do for a living and those are the things that are the least likely. But if I want it, I can make it happen. Nothing is certain, but I know that Nursing is not my desire, my wish, or passion.

It's a New Day...

I am sitting in yearbook class right now. It's 8:21 am and I'm having a good time with my yearbook buds, Brandie, Cassie, Sierra, and Jasmyn. I'm loving this class so much. These girls are awesome!

What isn't awesome is that I am once again on that railroad I said I was off. Last night I talked to Banana--that's the guy that I hung out with last weekend. We have become so insanely intimate, and when I say intimate I don't mean what you're thinking. I mean intiment in the way that he knows my insecurities. He knows my mind too well and it freaks me out. I went crazy on him yesterday after my realization, and it triggered other things inside of me. I have all this excess stuff that I need to get rid of before I can commit to anything. He's the only guy that has ever heard me cry, and the only guy who is there to listen. Not even Roberto knows me that well. How can you become so close to a stranger? I have no idea, but I did it.

This morning I walked into class and Banana was there talking to the other girls. That didn't bother me, because he always has a long line of girls. LOL. We're somewhat alike, because it's the same way for me. I was acting aloof, because of the talk we had last night. He's also the only guy that I argued with over nothing. He sounded mad about me being so undecided. I cried for a long while and he called back. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. He's the only person who's ever held my hand to hold my hand. He's the kind of person that will sit there and fix the problem, but I can't fix the problem when I don't know what the problem is. I'm sorry that he has to deal with all these emotions, but what gets me is that he can handle all that. Why did he have to like me? Why did he have to call me? Why did we become a couple and we're not even dating? If I think about it further I swear it hurts.

Where is my boyfriend through all this? Not here at all. Banana is the only person that can confuse me when I've got it all down. Or atleast I think I've got it all down, but I don't. That's another thing he told me that hit home; he said that whenever I'm not thinking I'm happy. It made so much sense! That day we spent, I didn't think until I thought about something. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. At this point I'm considering becoming a nun. I heard about a monestary in England. I believe I'd like Europe. In fact, I'd love Europe! Maybe holding myself captive from men and all that is the only way I can be happy. The only time I'm completely happy is when I'm reading about other peoples' lives. That's pretty sad!

Anyway, I walked in and he didn't say anything to me. It could be because I was avoiding looking in his direction. After this class I have to pass him in the hallway:'( I don't know if I can handle two more classes, but I'm going to have to. Ahh...I'm getting goosebumps. I'm still keeping positive that God is above me and no matter what happens it's all for the best.

Peace, Love, and Jesus<3

From the Hilltops...

It has finally hit me! Hit me like a subway train going past the tunnel on 145th st. OH YAH! It has hit me soooo hard. What has hit me?

I am FREE! Free as in I am no longer bound by chains against a never ending train rail that runs through my mind. Remember my confusion days? No more of those! I've got the answers to the Universe. Maybe not quite all the answers, but the answers of me. The best part of this is that God has set me free! At church yesterday we talked about a guy who's last name is Giglio. I urge you to look him up! Why do we fear?? My goodness I am just not even on that anymore! I am a precious creature just like everybody else on this Earth! Did you know that you are amazing and precious? Now you know! I promise you are!!

Today, I had decided that I was going to give in to something that seemed good enough. But usually things are too good to be true. I had stumbled for a minute, but after that I found myself here. Right HERE! Writing to you! I am too good to lose my value for someone who's not worth it. I can't believe I didn't see that before! It's part of that process that has alot to do with self esteem. I can proudly say that I am on that ladder to high self esteem and I can almost swear that nobody can stop me. I am WHO I am, no doubt about it. I can change for better but I'm not about to get worse to satisfy people. The Piranhas can try to get me down, but I trust in one person to keep me safe! And his name starts with a G...God! I feel like I'm preaching which is not my style but he loves that. lol. I am not just adornment. I am not a standby. I am who I am, and if you can't handle me(lol) then just walk away. I don't need negativity with all this positiveness! I'm ready to shine!

Love, Peace, and Jesus<3

My Time Now!

Today I had one of those hormonal days where you're either yelling and snapping at everyone or smiling and laughing at nothing at all. I had no idea why I was like that. When I was cleaning the bathroom I nearly broke into tears over something.

I know what that something was but I'm not gonna tell you. MUAHAHAHA!

I knew that the only way to cure my unhappiness was to go out and clear my head, so I went out with someone. Me and that someone have been talking alot lately and it's always about feelings which drives me hella crazy but atleast it feels to better to say things out loud even though he's always confused by me. He says that he doesn't mind my confusion, and that's pretty funny. I have to live with my confusion every single day of my life. lol.

Anyways! Me and that someone decided to go to an art museum today! We spent almost 20 minutes downtown looking for this art museum and we never found it. We went from road to road, street to street and found nothing at all. Supposedly, this museum closed at 5pm and by the time it was almost 5pm we still had found nothing so we decided to go somewhere else.

We voted to go to the movie theater located in the mall. When we got there we wanted to see Vampires Suck but it was sold out. We were willing to go to any movie for the closest times and the only movie available was Despicable Me, and I hate cartoon movies.

We were stuck doing nothing so we just roamed around in the mall for like two hours. It kind of scares me how compatible him and I seem. Too frikkin COMPATIBLE! And must I repeat myself again, "I have a boyfriend and I don't want to mess it up"

I'm afraid that I might have already messed up though. It's easy to think that things are easy to do! But they're not always easy!!

What is always great is to have a guide to help with your life. I've got God, who's helped me with so much lately and Roberto who's been listening to my issues since ever. Today, after my supposed mistake he was there to give me words to clear my mind. He's truthful and helpful at all times. I couldn't deal without ROB!! It's a little scary that when me and him talk, I've got the plan ready, but as soon as his voice isn't there I'm confused again. It's like when you're in math class and the teacher explains everything correctly and you understand, but as soon as you get home and work on that problem you're stuck. But lately me and him are more connected! We've talked every single day more than once for the past two weeks. IT'S WIERD!! I guess problems get people together. lol.

Going out today helped and didn't help! WOAH! My brother just brought me my cell and I've got two missed calls. One is obviously Roberto and the other...

Goodnight Blogger!
PEACE, LOVE, AND JESUS!

I'm not whatsoever affiliated with the picture above of monroe, Louisiana. IP address:http://pics4.city-data.com/cpicc/cfiles9071.jpg

One Problem Is THE Problem!

When I think of myself, I think relaxed but lately I keep thinking DRAMATIC!!

I keep making things slightly bigger than they should be and my excuse is, "I'm a frikkin teenager, let me cry!" My latest problem is that I have no idea how my boyfriend is doing. I've gained some boldness since I've talked to him. I am bold enough to tell him how I feel and what I think. I gave him crap the other day and he gave me a bag filled with CRAP! Not literally, I don't think I would accept that as a gift. I like roses...roses that don't smell like boo boo boo.

I understand he's crabby sometimes, in fact it's kind of sexy. I bet that would be to my advantage if we were alone. I should stop talking about that, lol.

We haven't talked for the past two or three days and we've been going out for about a week and two days. My usual response to this would be to break up with him, but I am trying for this to work. When we don't speak, I just want this to be over when I've got other guys that need my attention. But when we're speaking everything is perfect. In fact, I told Roberto about this the other day and he said, "Why make a guy unhappy when you can make more guys happy?" That cracked me up, because it made alot of sense to me but I wouldn't admit it to Rob, of course because he thinks he's always right.

Is it sad to think that I want him to break up with me if he doesn't think this is working? A guy has never broken up with me, EVER! Why can't he just break up with me, atleast I'll know it didn't work out, but I don't know if this is working out or not. I really like him, but if he doesn't want this then why keep going? I wish I could see him all the time...well, that would probably be a problem because I can't control myself. TMI! If he doesn't call today, what am I supposed to do? Why stay with someone you can't see?

AAHHHH!!
Love, Jenessy